**********************************************************************
Telling Jokes
I basically suck at telling jokes. You know, "What's black and white and red all over? Answer: The nun my brother punched in the 7th grade".* Yeah, those kind of jokes. Don't get me wrong, I'm a funny guy. If there were Phds given out for making fun of things, people would call me doctor, but about the only time I've been successful at telling one of these types of jokes was on my last day working for New York State Corrections when I got a good guffaw out of the Deputy Superintendent with "What did the child molester say when he got out of prison?"**
The best joke I told, though, was in my high school sophomore year social studies class. I had Mrs. Wilhelm, a tough, serious, older, but excellent teacher. When she asked me to answer the question "Why were the Middle Ages called the 'Dark Ages'?", time froze.
I love how the landlord flies backwards after hearing the punchline! That always happens when I tell a good joke.
In a half a second I had many thoughts. This is it! All those years of studying Bazooka Joe were going to pay off! I fantasized like Ralphie in A Christmas Story that when I said this punchline, the other students were going to fall out of their chairs with laughter.
I debated whether I should actually say this punchline and cause such chaos, but Mrs. Wilhelm had chuckled earlier in the year when another student asked her why the Social Studies teacher went to India for lunch.*** I imagined my name going down in school history as my high school's biggest smart ass! This was gonna be huge! So I unleashed it - "Because there were so many knights in it!" Remarkably, there is actually audio footage from that class! Click here.
"What did you say?" Mrs. Wilhelm asked. "Because there were so many knights in it!" I repeated. Again. "What?" she asked again completely puzzled. I let it go.
A couple days ago, I was standing in line in Macy's**** and the cashier and the customer in front of me were having a conversation about in-laws. The cashier says something about how there's in-laws and outlaws, and they laugh at the Fred Basset-esque joke. Suddenly, I remember a good one, so I speak up: "Hey, you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws, right?" Both shake their head "no". "Outlaws are wanted!" Again. Aah, I still got it!
*Hey, don't be pissed at me, I didn't punch her. Ask him about it.
**I feel like a kid again!*****
***She heard there was a New Delhi there!
****Walmart
*****I'd be careful telling this one, it gets a lot of "fist-based responses" (1-Pistols at Dawn, 2008).******
******OMG! An actual footnote citing a reference and not a joke asterisk! I haven't used one of those since 1989 when I was in college!
1- http://hilarytheguy.blogspot.com/ by Pistols at Dawn*******
*******Damn, the only problem is I'm too lazy to go find the actual place that I'm quoting it from! God, I suck at citing, too!
Comments:
-
"Hey, don't be pissed at me, I didn't punch her. Ask him about it."
Well, she was asking for it! She had claimed in front of my whole 6th grade class that Kiss was a poor man's Alice Cooper and wouldn't take it back. I twice asked nicely and when she refused, it was on!
A joke Falwless could have written:
Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One guy landed on the moon, and the other rapes children! -
I only wish I had been there for you in Wilhelm's class. You'd a got a hearty guffaw from Jackson.
We can't all be Gilbert Gottfried. -
Falwless: "Good" entry? "Good"? I think someone's suffering from Genius-Envy...
Deleted Comment: Excellent point! Truer words have never been spoken!
TA: If she met you today, she would most definitely thank you for bringing her down a peg!
Jackson: It's good to know there's a few of us Bazooka Joe affectionados out there! -
You stole my FUCKING CRICKETS! BASTARD!
-
I'm laughing pretty hard at that joke, Tony. Which only makes me wonder--am I really that predictable? Hmph.
Mathnerd--You show me the genius, I'll show you the envy. (OOOOOH BUURRRN, THAT ONE HURT, DINN'IT? OUUUCH.) -
P.S. Why are the time stamps on the comments set to Pacific time zone?
WHO'S GENIUS NOW, BUDDY?? -
You'd think a GENIUS would know how to cite. You are funny, though.
BTW, dude, you’ve been tagged. -
CM: Once you cricketed my "Cool New Feature", Tracks of the Week, you gave up all rights to them.
Falwless: You Elementary School level bloggers crack me up!
C-Cup: Don't I have some kind of grace period on being tagged like jury duty? Once you serve, you're good for life, or something like that? No? -
That child molester joke cracked me up. But I've been told my sense of humor is "inappropriate", so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.
-
I don't get it.
-
Jon: You should tell it the next time you're in church. I bet they'd be falling out of the pews with laughter.
BE: Get what? There's like 20 funny parts to the posting!
When I read that first sentence, "I basically suck at telling jokes," I thought to myself, sure, sure, he's just being modest. But then I finished reading the post and I must admit, that is some serious suckage at work. Congratulations. You got a good entry out of it, though! That's the best kind of failure.