Tuesday, December 30, 2008
During my travels, I met up with Beth from Cup of Coffey. She did such an excellent job writing about it, I won't go into details here. I just have to say that her writing has really gotten good all of a sudden. The depth, the detail, the style, they are all just incredible.
I'm 1 game back in my family's bowl game pool. I've got a good feeling about this one. As for my family members who were pestering me before Sunday's game about the prospect of the Arizona Cardinals being the first .500 team to win a division, how about shutting the hell up? The Cardinals won, just as I said they would and finished 9-7. If you want to gripe about a .500 team winning their division, take your crying over to Gingers Is the Watchword.
That's all I got for ya!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I basically suck at telling jokes. You know, "What's black and white and red all over? Answer: The nun my brother punched in the 7th grade".* Yeah, those kind of jokes. Don't get me wrong, I'm a funny guy. If there were Phds given out for making fun of things, people would call me doctor, but about the only time I've been successful at telling one of these types of jokes was on my last day working for New York State Corrections when I got a good guffaw out of the Deputy Superintendent with "What did the child molester say when he got out of prison?"**
The best joke I told, though, was in my high school sophomore year social studies class. I had Mrs. Wilhelm, a tough, serious, older, but excellent teacher. When she asked me to answer the question "Why were the Middle Ages called the 'Dark Ages'?", time froze.
I love how the landlord flies backwards after hearing the punchline! That always happens when I tell a good joke.
In a half a second I had many thoughts. This is it! All those years of studying Bazooka Joe were going to pay off! I fantasized like Ralphie in A Christmas Story that when I said this punchline, the other students were going to fall out of their chairs with laughter.
I debated whether I should actually say this punchline and cause such chaos, but Mrs. Wilhelm had chuckled earlier in the year when another student asked her why the Social Studies teacher went to India for lunch.*** I imagined my name going down in school history as my high school's biggest smart ass! This was gonna be huge! So I unleashed it - "Because there were so many knights in it!" Remarkably, there is actually audio footage from that class! Click here.
"What did you say?" Mrs. Wilhelm asked. "Because there were so many knights in it!" I repeated. Again. "What?" she asked again completely puzzled. I let it go.
A couple days ago, I was standing in line in Macy's**** and the cashier and the customer in front of me were having a conversation about in-laws. The cashier says something about how there's in-laws and outlaws, and they laugh at the Fred Basset-esque joke. Suddenly, I remember a good one, so I speak up: "Hey, you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws, right?" Both shake their head "no". "Outlaws are wanted!" Again. Aah, I still got it!
*Hey, don't be pissed at me, I didn't punch her. Ask him about it.
**I feel like a kid again!*****
***She heard there was a New Delhi there!
*****I'd be careful telling this one, it gets a lot of "fist-based responses" (1-Pistols at Dawn, 2008).******
******OMG! An actual footnote citing a reference and not a joke asterisk! I haven't used one of those since 1989 when I was in college!
1- http://hilarytheguy.blogspot.com/ by Pistols at Dawn*******
*******Damn, the only problem is I'm too lazy to go find the actual place that I'm quoting it from! God, I suck at citing, too!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tyrell in Accounts Receivable here at ECV is using his vacation time to visit his family. Darlene in payroll went out on maternity leave starting today. Tony in Research and Development called in sick, and Amanda the secretary is just itching to go home. I really don't want to abandon ECV during the holiday time like this blog, so we'll be in vacation mode here. I have a guest poster lined up, and I may post something new here and there, but I plan on having some reruns. In the meantime, here's some cat pictures.
Fantasy Football Domination
I've seen it all now. My fantasy football team hasn't folded in the post-season. I won again this week, making it into the Super Bowl for the first time ever. I'm playing my best friend, Kingston Steve who beat me twice during the season this year (and I think he swept me last year as well). The Arizona Cardinals played their JV squad at New England, so it looked. And congrats to Red's San Diego Chargers who can make the playoffs with a win this week for scratching back into the playoff picture. Of course that pales in comparison to the excitement of the San Diego County Credit Union Pointsettia Bowl. Talk about signs of economic turmoil. I'm thinking next year I can get a bowl game named the Eating Chicken Vindaloo Bowl.
That's all I got for ya!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
In '82, I went to Blottoween with 2 of my friends at the Chance in Poughkeepsie, a venue that was bigger than a bar, but smaller than an arena. For my costume, I decided to go as Alice Cooper. I had the hair already; I put on the creepy black stuff around the eyes and at the corner of my mouth, and I, um... hmm, how can I put this? Alright, I stole one of my sister's dolls, tied a rope around its neck, attached the other end to my waist, and let it drag along the ground. Relax, it was just a doll. After we parked our car and were walking to the Chance (which was not exactly in the best part of town), this black girl across the street yells out,"Why's that white boy got a baby doll tied to him draggin' on the ground?"
We got to Blottoween, suffered through the warm-up band, and drank a few brewskis. I had to stop after a few, because I was the DD, but my friend Honneker got, well, blotto. Before Blotto came on, they had the costume contest. I got onstage, and when my number was called, I stepped forward and made like Pete Townsend with the doll. I swung it to the floor and smashed it to pieces. Shockingly, I didn't win the costume contest.
I retrieved the head and returned to my seat in the balcony area. Honneker insisted that I give him the head so that he could throw it at Blotto, you know, in that way that drunks can get focused on one stupid thing and won't shut the hell up about it. Finally, I gave it to him to shut him up. From the balcony I had a perfect view to watch him get to the floor level and, with surprising accuracy and zing, hit one of the guys in Blotto with the doll head. I also saw him get picked up .3 seconds later by 2 mack truck-sized bouncers and thrown out the door. After the show, we met up with Honneker outside. He was still surprisingly drunk (New York in late October isn't exactly warm) was walking up to people and telling them,"Hey, man, the Chance really sucks! They won't even let you throw doll heads at the band!"
Since then, the Chance has burned to the ground and was rebuilt, but I hear they still won't let you throw doll heads at the bands there. Assholes!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
First up: Darlene Love's Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home). Each Christmas Eve, Jay Thomas goes on the David Letterman Show, and he and Dave have a contest to see who can hit the star off the top of the Christmas tree with a football. Jay always wins. Then the show closes with Darlene singing. They've been doing that every year for 10 or 12 years or some shit like that.
Next: Band-Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas? This was Bob Geldoff's baby back in the 80s to raise money for African starvation relief. It was subsequently copied by the asshole American We Are The World movement. This song is infinitely hipper, and actually infinitely better in every way than We Are The World.
Finally, I have Weird Al's Christmas At Ground Zero. Not hearing about me putting the Ramone's Blitzkrieg Bop on my mom's Cats cassette, my in-laws asked me many years ago to tape some Christmas CDs they had because they didn't own a CD player. I snuck this onto the end of the tape, like I did with Blitzkrieg Bop. Only they never called me on it.
Well that's about i- Oh my God, everyone, you won't believe what just happened! It's a Christmas Miracle! Dr. Zibbs of That Blue Yak just came through the door! How awesome is that?
Me: Zibbs! What's happening?
Me: Dude, this is perfect timing. How about you take over while I go watch me some Judge Judy?
Zibbs: Bubble up!
Me: Awesome! Ladies and gentlemen: Dr. Zibbs!
*looks around* Nice spread you have here Mathdude. I see you're giving away music from your collection. What else do you have in there? Hmm. Here's one. If you're at work right now, I want you to download and play the Surfari's Wipe Out, and turn up the volume of your computer all the way. Jump up on your desk and dance along. You can do the Mash Potato, the Swim, or that Lawn Sprinkler dance. Then when they get to the drum part, I want you to play the butt bongos. Just turn facing away from your audience, and spank your bottom as though it were a bongo drum. That ought to get the party started. I do this all the time where I work at Christmas.
Let's see, what else is here? Oooh, here's a good one, Blotto's Too Much Fun. That's a lot like Wipe Out. You should dance on your desk for that one too!
What else...well, since I have the Blotto out, wait. Ahem, um, Beth, there's a big story on CNN.com about REM. Something about the band breaking up. You should check it out........... Ok, good, she's gone. The rest of you should listen to Blotto's Metalhead. It's a hoot, and it makes fun of heavy metal heads. I just didn't want to encour- Oops, she's coming back...
Ok, I gotta get back to ol' West Chester people. You guys stop on by, ok?
Monday, December 15, 2008
I Think That Was The Carriage Turing Back Into A Pumpkin
Wow, the Arizona Cardinals really stink up the joint Sunday. I'm thinking that since they clinched the playoffs, they're practicing the Wishbone Offense or some other weird shit to spring on their playoff opponents. In the meantime, the 12 shades of fucking asshole Dallas Cowboys beat up on the Giants. At least the G-Men got a few good shots on Romo. My fantasy team won its playoff game, convincingly even. I know a certain Brown socks and yellow adult-diaper Bostonite that is seething with jealousy!
To The Dude Be-Bopping Around Walmart Buying A Toilet Plunger Acting Like He's Some Kind Of Rap Star
Dude. Seriously. You're in Walmart. With a toilet plunger. I was cooler than you in any of my goofy pictures on Facebook. Even this one.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wrassler from Chicago writes in: "Geez Mathdude, you're on quite the roll lately: that was quite the zinger at my place; you slammed Falwless and Beckeye; you had a Poo-Bomber-esque flurry over at Cup of Coffey; you shook mike up so bad he had to comment 3 times on your last posting to try to get you back; you were the only one to catch that Grant Miller was misnaming Pistols' blog on the ballots, and you even brought back the internet's most hated gag, the fake letters - wait, what? Are you taking blogger steroids? Ah, you've got a keen eye, Wrassler. You noticed I've gotten some of my mojo back. With the semester winding down, ol' Professor Mathdude, Doctor of Awesome, only has finals left to give and correct, and final grades to submit, then it's every slacker's dream: nothing to do for day after day, week after week! After next Tuesday, my typical day will look like this: 11:00 AM wake up and blog, 12:30 eat brunch, 1:00 Judge Judy, 2:00 People's Court, 3:00 nap or surf net for porn, 4:00 Judge Judy, 5:00 - 5:30 shower, pick up, make up believable lies of things I've done that can't be verified for when the G-Train gets home. 6:00 eat, 7:00 - ? Watch TV. Aaaaaahhhh. I can't wait.
Finally, MK from Boston writes in: "Dude, I need a football fix! What's going on with your fantasy football team?" Well, MK, my league's playoffs start this week tonight. My team finished 7-7, good for 7th, record-wise, but I'm 2nd in scoring among the playoff teams, and I beat my first round opponent earlier in the year. I like my chances, but I'm 1-6 lifetime in post-season games. If you want to follow, go here.
That's all I got for ya!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
OK, you back? You know that song from the old Tennessee Tuxedo cartoons* "See, see, see, Tennessee Tuxedo..."? I've been singing it all morning and can't think why. Oh yeah, that's right! CC Sabathia's going to be wearing pinstripes next year baby!!! Come on, sing with me here: "C, C, C. CC Sabathia". I don't have the rest of the lyrics yet, but I'll work on them.
Did you see where Cold Play is getting sued by Joe Satriani over the song Vida la Vida? I know nothing about Cold Play good or bad, other than liking Vida la Vida. Joe Satriani is 12 shades of awesome though. Check this video out. Pay up Cold Play!
*As a matter of fact, I am as old as dirt.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Every once in awhile it's good to get out and do a little exploring on the interwebs. I say "every once in awhile" because 99% of the blogs out there are utterly and completely unreadable. It is extremely difficult to find new and interesting blogs, and since I've found a couple outside our Circle of Jerks, um, wait, maybe that's not the right term to use, outside of the usual group of regulars around here, I thought I'd pass on a couple of good ones I've found.
First up: Moooooog35's Mental Poo. I've always said that Pistols at Dawn's Save Your Generation is the gold standard of blogs. Well, Moooooog35 is easily #2, pun intended. I have to warn you that if Mental Poo were a movie, it'd be rated NC-17 or R, but it's freaking hilarious. I defy you to go check it out, and come back complaining that it wasn't any good.
Also Very Good: Rassle's Sometimes I Make Lists. Maybe I'm just a sucker for ladies who curse like a sailor. A long time ago, I used to read this blog by this other woman...let's see, who was that? Man, it was so long ago when I read it...there was an eyepatch or something...ah, it doesn't matter. Check out Rassle's blog. I nearly cried laughing while reading her latest posting, even if I don't understand half of it or know who Molinder is. Much of her postings involve drinking stories, and if it were a movie, it would probably be rated R. I give it a big thumbs up, though, so keep those f-bombs a-flyin', missy.
On November 23, 2008 someone set up a self-titled blog Whoissecretdubai. SecretDubai, according to wikipedia, was a Middle-Eastern blogger who went underground - whatever. Whoissecretdubai thought is was hil-freaking-larious to go around and spam people (I got spammed in the posting before this one - check the comments), asking who is Secret Dubai. To WISD's credit, within a couple of week's time, there were nearly 150 responses to his/her 1 blog posting "Who is SecretDubai (the blogger)", but WISD pissed off a lot of people in doing so. Well, ol' Mathdude gave WISD a bit of Elmore Leonard-inspired mischievousness, and lo and behold - no more whoissecretdubai! As a prankster/rule-breaker/quasi-law breaker, I'd rather keep my cards close to me on this one. Maybe some day, we'll have a beer together and laugh over it.
You didn't think you were going to get out of here without hearing about the 12 Shades of Awesome NFC West Champion Arizona Cardinals Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - EVER! winning their first division title since 1975, did you! Yeeeeeeaaaaaah Baby!!! How do you like that? Can you feel it, huh? Oops, sorry, I got a little carried away. Yes, the last time they won their division, I was in the 7th grade, and I'm old. I knew rooting for them would pay off some day!
That's all I got for ya!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I also recently picked up the finally released inese-Chay emocracy-Day by uns-Gay N oses-Ray. My initial thought on the first couple of plays is "Eh". Up- Bup: before you go saying my brother was right after all, I'll point out that good bands have gone south throughout any era. I'm making available to you the self-titled first track, not because it's amazingly great, but with the hope that it will satisfy your curiosity and convince you to spend your money elsewhere. Not that it's bad, it's ok. It's got that in-your-face-kick-ass sound that has always typified their sound, and a touch of tasty guitar licks to make it worth a listen, but I can't say it's all that. I also can't say I'd rhyme "That's all they got to rule the nation" with "masturbation", but that's just me. What the hell do I know***? And just so my severed head doesn't get sued by Axlway ose-Ray's severed head 400 years from now for uploading inese-Chay emocracy-Day onto the Superweb, we'll just keep this to ourselves, ok?
*I'm lying of course. I never tire of always being right!
**I'm not a huge Kinks fan, just big enough to make a former co-worker named Victoria think I was psycho for humming/singing Victoria in her presence****.
****OK, so she already thought I was psycho, the humming/singing merely reaffirmed her beliefs.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
If you're anything like me, you stuffed your face to obscene levels in celebration of the Pilgrims tricking the Indians into thinking they were their friends before they exchanged Small Pox for land. I gained my usual 5 pounds, and I can't wait to gain another 5 at Christmas!
Since I was visiting the in-laws in Western Kentucky, I wasn't sure how Black Friday would pan out. Apparently, they are not as Black Friday-savvy there or our economy sucks because I was the first one in line at Staples. I felt like I was in The Amazing Race - "You are Team #1!" Except I didn't win a trip. All I got was some crap that I had to go back the next day to straighten out and get them to charge me the price they advertised - jerkwads! The G-Train and I managed to get a lot of our Christmas shopping done later, though.
Amazing Race Recap
Speaking of the Amazing Race, he's my final episode handicapping for next week. Nicki and Starr have a 90% chance of winning and Tina and her cheating husband have a 10% chance of winning. The frat boys? None. 0. Zip. These two Clueless Joes must be the luckiest dipshits alive with all the bullets they've dodged. They are truly the Sanjiaya of TAR.
After dominating much of an Uno game, my luck ran out and my 11-year old nephew edged me out for the win. Then he thought it was hil-freaking-larious to ask me 8 million times "How's it feel to lose to an 11-year old?" Such disrespect! Where has today's youth learned such smart allecky poor manners? Anywho, I printed up a phony email from the Rules and Regulation Committee of the World Uno Federation (WUF) which explained that Rule 42.7 declared that any matches with players under 13 years of age would be declared exhibitions and therefore I would retain my Grand Master status (yes, I do stupid shit like that in real life). It all sounded pretty official, and my nephew mostly bought it. At least it shut him up.
Football-wise the weekend was a disaster. My college picks couldn't have been crappier. My Arizona Cardinals were 12 shades of pathetic, and my fantasy team lost for the third straight week, dropping me to 7-6. Yikes.
That's all I got for ya!