Eating Chicken Vindaloo

Stick A Fork In Me

2010-01-29T00:06:00.004+01:00

After checking up on a couple blogs and coming across A Crown of Thistles, I decided it was time to close up shop here at Eating Chicken Vindaloo. The inDefatiguable mjenks had the right idea. It's time to close shop here and take a new direction in the blogosphere. Facebook has deeply cut into the blogging world. I've met quite a few like-minded people here on the ol' interwebs, and many of you are Facebook friends with me now, which is awesome, because now I can mock you there daily without the "trouble" of going from website to website.

Here are some of my most proud accomplishments at ECV.
- First off, I pretty much got Obama elected. He was clearly taking his cues from my keen political insights.

- I won numerous Caption Contests over at Lots Better Then Your Blog. And when I didn't win, I was clearly the people's champion. My favorite was my entry for a photo taken of a bunch of costumed losers at a comic book convention. It said, "Like a kid in a candy store, Falwless knew she wasn't going home alone tonight!" Coincidently, Falwless stopped the Caption Contest when most of my entries mocked her.

- Judge Judy and the Geico Caveman commercials are now universally recognized as the best TV show and commercials. By a mile.

- The Yankees are World Champs. UNC is the NCAA Men's basketball champs and their football team has been to 2 bowl games. The 12 Shades of Awesome Two Time Reigning NFC West Champion Arizona Cardinals, Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - EVER! has been to the Super Bowl (if I'm being honest, I still don't know how that happened), and they've made the playoffs 2 consecutive years.

- I have made those who read my blog cooler and edgier with my incredible musical critiques, although I wash my hands with Red. I mean, come on, I can't perform miracles.

- The contestant I rooted for on American Idol successfully released a historical debut album, universally recognized as one of the greatest debuts of all time.

- Pretty much all the other good blogs out there are by bloggers who have basically stolen everything they do good from me.

- I completely fooled all of you with my "Guest Postings"! Ha! Those were written by me all along! Don't you feel foolish now?

This doesn't mean the end of blogging for me though. I plan on being better about getting postings up at my other 2 neglected blogs. I've already got 3 or 4 good ideas for postings at the West Point Skateboard Gang blog, so check in there if it interests you. And I still plan on stopping by your place to harass you every now and again.

See you around.

More Awesome Musical Insights

2009-12-10T02:06:00.006+01:00

Here's the Wikipedia entry on Sparks.

Sparks is an American rock and pop music band formed in Los Angeles in 1970 by brothers Ron (keyboards) and Russell Mael (vocals), initially under the name Halfnelson. Best known for their quirky approach to song writing, Sparks' music is often accompanied by cutting and acerbic lyrics, and an idiosyncratic stage presence, typified in the contrast between Russell's wide-eyed hyperactive frontman antics and Ron's sedentary scowling.

The band's long career has seen them successfully adopt many different musical genres; including glam pop, power pop, electronic dance music, mainstream pop and most recently chamber pop. Whilst never achieving peak chart success, they have enjoyed a cult following since their first releases, Sparks have been highly influential on the development of popular music, in particular on the late 1970s scene, when in collaboration with Giorgio Moroder (and Telex subsequently), they reinvented themselves as an electronic pop duo, and abandoned the traditional rock band line up. Their frequently changing styles and visual presentations have kept the band at the forefront of experimentation and uniqueness in pop music. They are held in esteem by such peers as Depeche Mode, New Order, Morrissey, Mark Burgess of the Chameleons UK and They Might Be Giants, who all cite Sparks as a major influence.

Well said, well said. Now here's my take. I saw them on SNL back in '82. While the performance wasn't exactly their best, I instantly loved them. Their level of goofiness is what I aspire to be. I've soaked up as much of their music as I can. I only have more Ramones CDs in my music collection, and I proclaim Ron Mael the greatest keyboard player in rock history.

I defy you to check out the SNL performance of Mickey Mouse below (oh, yeah, it's for real), and not fall on the floor laughing. Especially around the 2:45 mark. Holy crap that's funny!

When It Rains, It Pours...

2009-12-03T15:07:00.005+01:00

I've never had back to back postings on the same topic before, but with more time to reflect on my last posting, I thought it might be best if I clarify myself.

Adam Lambert
I've had more time to listen to Senor Lambert's new album, and after carefully taking in what others have had to say about it, one word comes to mind: getyerheadoutofyerassandcleantherocksouttayerearsandgetyerheadexaminedcauseyermadasafuckinghattersoshutyerpieholecuzyoudontknowWTFyertalkingabout. Hope that helps clear things up.

I issued a challenge in my last posting to people to listen to a track I thought was catchy and tell me they didn't like it. What's that you say? Nothing? Score one for me. Upon further listening, tracks 1, 3, and 10 are really, really good as well. And most of the rest are very listenable. I anticipate that this album will spend a long time in my CD player.

Are there any dogs on the album? Of course there are, most notably, the title track, For Your Entertainment. I can name only a couple of albums, though, that don't have a crappy tune on them*. Unfortunately, the Lambert camp has chosen to lead off with this one as his/their first single.

Another criticism I hear is that it's too "flamboyant", which is my PC code word for "so super-gay that it makes heteros like myself uncomfortable". OK, true on the For Your Entertainment track and a couple others, but, not so much on the vast majority of the album. I think 19 has missed the boat on the production of the vocal tracks. He has the pipes reminiscent of a Robin Zander, or a Mika, or even at times, do I dare say, Freddy Mercury? Oh, I do dare say! They should have turned all that synthesizer crap off and just let him sing. And yes, I do realize he has chosen Pop as he milieu for his first album, not my favorite by a long shot (Pop). Even with all that said, this is the best debut album I can think of since...since...(wait for it)...Van Halen I.

Tiger Woods
Tiger. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. You know they have these Crisis Management Experts, right? They help you make the right moves to make stuff like this go away. Does he owe anyone outside of his family an explanation? Everyone, including and especially me, says "Hell NO!" But.
But, by hiding in seclusion and issuing statements on his website (amateur), the only thing he accomplished was piquing everybody's curiosity and sending the media into a feeding frenzy. Go interview the kid he beat up in the 3rd grade! Track down the girl he played doctor with when he was 4! Go find anyone he was seen with in the last 10 years! Dig! Dig deeper! I know Tiger didn't have to do anything, but the path he chose in dealing with his accident was really, really, really dumb.

God, I hate being right all the time**!

*Black Sabbath's Changes on Vol 4 is so excrutiatingly fingernails-on-blackboard unlistenable, I still have nightmares about it.

**No, I don't.

Grabbag Tuesday

2009-12-01T16:07:00.004+01:00

I Love Being Right

Got the new Adam Lambert album and I'm liking what I hear. Up-bup: don't argue, hear me out. Is it overproduced? You bet*. Is it "Pop"**? Yes, it is. Should he have thrown in a remake or two? You got it. Quirky/different/strange? Check. That said, I think it's fantastic. It's still Adam Lambert. It's original and has several really good songs. I predict Sure Fire Winners is playing when Derek Jeter comes up to bat next fall as the Yankees win the second of six straight World Championships. Give it a listen and tell me it's not awesome!

How It Went Down
My buddy, Kingston Steve, says this is how it went down. A big fight, followed by Tiger storming out the door. He gets in his car, she goes after him with a nine-iron. He takes off, she smashes the windshield. He spins out of control, hits a fire hydrant and tree. Now furious, he gets out of the car and she smacks him good with the nine-iron. Kingston Steve asked me what about that is not believable. I gotta say - nothing. Tiger: tell us what happened, even if it's a made up story. Just make it believable.

*Seriously now - here's what you need to do in the studio: Plug in a microphone and give it to him to sing. There. That's all you have to do. The boys got the chops to sing - he's already proved that on American Idol.

**Almost my least favorite type of music.

Suddenly I See, Wait, No I Don't

2009-11-20T16:54:00.003+01:00

Part I
Blogger doesn't let us cut and paste in the postings anymore? But they let you cut and paste in the comments so you can get spammed? WTF?

Part II
Everyone knows the South doesn't play around when it comes to crime, right? And South Carolina's not a place you want to be messing around in, right? If you were to, say, drive your Maserati at 85 MPH crashing it into a house, killing someone inside, then plead guilty to reckless homocide, you'd get the chair, right? How about 3 years probation? WTF?

Part III
If you're ever in Lehigh, PA, I wouldn't recommend the Lehigh Pub. Some college students went there, had their waitress vanish on them, and when the bill came, they refused to pay the 18% mandatory service tip. So the Lehigh Pub had them arrested. Talk about bad publicity. Yikes.

Part IV
A Calgary couple has had their children exempt from doing homework for life. I was ready to rail here about how it's everyone's right to be as stupid as they want to be...how nobody who got into a good college ever did so without ever having done homework...etc, etc, but the kids in question were just given lame photocopied handouts to do for homework each night, and the parents do work with their kids on schoolwork in preparation for tests and whatnot (so they say). So, I find myself strangely unwilling to criticize. Of course, if I had a kid whose homework seemed senseless, I'd complain and not make him do it.

Veteran's Day Posting

2009-11-09T16:31:00.003+01:00

The following was read as part of a Veteran's Day Assembly back when I worked at the fancy-pants private school. It speaks for itself.

3 AM With The VFW - Welcome Home, Veteran
By Sgt. M Thomas

After months of extending our stay in Iraq, our unit was finally going home. The year had felt long enough. We had missed birthdays, holidays, births, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and when our final plane was hit by a de-icing truck in Germany, we were left feeling as though we'd never get back to our families.

We were ordered to de-plane in order to wait for the next flight. Sitting in the airport thoughout the night, we called our families with the bad news. We waited for what seemed like an eternity before finally catching another plane.

Thirty-six hours after our scheduled arrival, we landed in Bangor, Maine. It was 3 AM. We were tired, hungry, and as desperate as we were to get to Colorado, our excitement was tainted with bitterness.

While we were originally told our National Guard deployment would be mere months, here we were - 369 days later - frustrated and angry.

As I walked off the plane. I was taken aback: in the small, dimly lit airport, a group of elderly veterans lined up to shake our hands. Some were standing, some confined to wheelchairs, all wore their uniform hats. Their now-feeble right hand arm stiffened in salutes, their left hands holding coffee, snacks, and cell phones for us.

As I made my way through the line, each man thanking me or my service, I choked back tears. Here we were, returning from one year in Iraq where we had portable DVD players, three square meals and phones, being honored by men who had crawled through mud for years with little more than the occasional letter from home.

These soldiers, many of whom had lost limbs and comrades, shook our hands proudly, as if our service could somehow rival their own.

We soon learned that this VFW group had not only waited for more than a day in the airport for our arrival, but they were doing this for all the returning soldiers.

When the time came to fly home to Colorado, we were asked by our commander if we would like to join the VFW. Every hand in the unit went up immediately, including my own.

Looking back on my year in Iraq, I can honestly say that my perception of the experience was changed; not so much by the soldiers with whom I served - though I consider them my saving grace - but by the soldiers who welcomed us home. For it is those men who reminded me what serving my country is really about.

Another Fairy Tale...

2009-11-05T15:30:00.004+01:00

So Steve Phillips made a fool out of himself again, shagging some underling at ESPN, embarrassing him and his family when the underling publicly went psycho after he kicked her to the curb. This is essentially a repeat performance of what ended his tenure with the Mets, only this time his wife left him. Now, he's trying to fly straight so he can repair his public image and maybe make a comeback sometime in the future. He's checked into a place that specializes in helping Sex Addicts.

OK, one slight problem here, and that would be...THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A SEX ADDICT!!! Up-bup: don't argue. You'll only make yourself look foolish.

Let me explain. Let's consider a heroin addict. He/she should never take heroin ever again - EVER! Agreed? A gambling addict - once he/she gets his/her gambling under control, he/she should never gamble agian. Addicted to cigarettes/nicotine? Don't smoke! What about a "Sex Addict"? Should a "Sex Addict" never have sex again? Ever? Are you friggin' crazy?

Saying someone is addicted to sex because they cannot control themselves is like saying I'm a food addict or a water addict. Yeah, if I can't eliminate those things from my life, I guess I'm an addict!

Furthermore, it belittles what true addiction is by applying it to some made-up problem, and it puts a negative connotation on something that should be really great. Like, if someone went to church every day, would they be a church-addict? Ridiculous.

Now I'm not saying people don't embarrass themselves when it comes to their sex lives - many have and many will in the years to come. If someone makes a spectacle of themselves, though, I don't want to hear how they're pretending to get help for some made up condition. Gimme a break.

I'm a Poet But I Didn't Know It

2009-10-28T15:40:00.003+01:00

Cricket chirps on my last posting, huh? I guess my humor level is too advanced for the masses...

You may not know this because mathematicians are so rarely associated with creativity, but when I taught at the fancy-pants private school, I won the faculty portion of a poetry contest. For real*. We had to submit a poem that had the words "frosted", "shrubbery", and some other unrelated word that I can't think of now in it. The poet I've been most influenced by is probably Mike D**.

Anywho, today I was inspired to write another poem. It's about the trials and tribulations we face - ah, I'll let you decide what it means to you. Without further ado.

Ode To The Bicyclist Out Before Dawn In The Rain
What are you,
a fucking idiot?

That's deep, huh? Maybe I should write a book.

*No, mine was not the only entry. Very funny.***

**Beastie Boys, not Mike Doughty.

***Not at all funny.

A Recent Hot Date

2009-10-22T17:05:00.002+02:00

Uh, Red? I thought that when I agreed to let you videotape our date as a condition for going out to dinner with me that you wouldn't post any of it on YouTube. Dude, WTF?

Another Relative Tries To Make It In The Blogosphere

2009-09-15T23:31:00.005+02:00

My cousin Leslie is checking in to the ol' interwebs over at Talks too much, Cries too easily. You should check it out and give her some positive feedback, because, well, I'll come over and kick your ass if you don't! Seriously though, she teaches high school English out in California, so she must be like forty-'leven times a better writer than me, right? We'll see. I still say her brother Buzz would make a pretty decent blogger if he could ever be talked into it.

TA's Favorite Director Releases Another One

2009-09-14T16:09:00.003+02:00

My brother called up deeply excited about the release of Michael Moore's new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story. I was like, "Calm down Skippy!" I'm sure he'll deny it publicly, but he's even put in an advance order on Amazon for the DVD, when it's released, probably sometime in the distant future after the rerelease back into the theaters after all the Oscars he says it's going to win.

Mathdude's 12 Shades of Awesome In Depth Analysis of Upcoming NFL Season

2009-09-11T16:07:00.004+02:00

Arizona Cardinals, baby!

*Good luck to any of those sad Charger fans and good luck to you Giants and Jets fans. And you Cowboy, Patriot, Dolphin, or Steeler fans - how about you all just jump off a cliff?

More Like "Like The Fist Strikes Your Face"

2009-08-19T23:42:00.004+02:00

Two words for ya: Grand Magus.

If you're looking for something that's part Black Sabbath (their self-titled first album), part early Iron Maiden, and part Metallica, maybe with a little Motorhead sprinkled in there, Grand Magus is what you want. It's good, hearty, bass-y heavy metal, filled with as much testosterone as you can handle.

Interested? Here's the opening track: Like The Oar Strikes the Water. I guarentee you double your money back that you'll like it! And if you don't, Google "Spandeau Ballet". They're probably more your speed anyways.

Grabbag Monday

2009-08-10T17:04:00.008+02:00

Absolutely Brilliant
This Cash for Clunkers thingie - sheer brilliance! I've been advocating greener car manufacturing here at ECV for years*, and while CFC takes gas guzzlers off the road and replaces them with more fuel efficient vehicles, that's not what's so brilliant about it. Many of you whine-asses have opposed my stance, saying,"Wah, it's my constitutional right, Mathdude, to waste as much gas as I can buy! You can look it up - it says so in the Declaration of Independence, right after the part about me owning enough Uzis to overthrow Pennsylvania!!!" At least that's the gist of your arguments from some of you, but I won't go into names here. *cough Mike cough*

Anywho, the real genius here is the name "Cash for Clunkers". The term clunker has made owning a gas guzzler about as cool as owning an 8-track player. If I had been elected president, I would have mandated all new vehicles get at least 30 MPG. This would probably have sent you D-baggers, I mean, Teabaggers, or whatever you Tea Party morons call yourselves, into a tizzy. By doing it this way, all you hear about on the news or in commercials is clunkers clunkers clunkers clunkers, and everyone's thinking Gas Guzzler = POS. No way Bush would ever would have thought of this.

Thanks, But No Thanks
Does anybody know who these Followers on Google are? Who the hell is Lisbon Man Escort, and why is he/she even remotely interested in Eating Chicken Vindaloo**? I hardly post more than Falwless does. And these others who follow thousands of blogs, what's up with that? I don't get it. And the Chinese(?) dude who commented here, WTF?

*Well, maybe once or twice before the election anyways.
**Besides it being 12 Shades of Awesome!

Happy Birthday Falwless!

2009-07-22T19:12:00.004+02:00

One of the funniest blog postings on the innernets ever was last year's Happy Birthday to myself posting by Falwless. She has practically fallen off the blogging world* (as I have, at least here anyways) and she currently is going through personal stuff, but I hope she has a Happy Birthday nonetheless.

My first impression of her was one of confusion. I couldn't understand why someone would use such a hideous child picture of herself as an avatar. Eventually it morphed into the eyepatch and monkey one she uses today, and I got it.

Her Monday Caption Contests back in the day were pretty awesome, and I worked hard to win, like, every other one. Others were jealous of my obvious superiority and the accumulating trophies, so Falwless had to end the contests.

Many of you may remember that she was the first blogger to guest post here at Eating Chicken Vindaloo. Man, she was really on that day. And then pretending that it wasn't her - the work of sheer genius.

I'm friends with Falwless on Facebook - she uses Falwless Jones as her name there, in case you want to be friends with her too**. Her real name, though, is Ethel McFugly. There, it's out. The whole world knows now, Ethel. Kids can be cruel, sure, but I'm positive nobody's going to make fun of your name now that we're all grown up! Trust me on this one.

Even though she lives a mere 3 hours away, she has resisted meeting up with me when I pass by. Maybe when those restraining orders expire we'll meet up.

All kidding aside, Happy Birthday Falwless!

*2008 - 242 posts, 2009 - 8. That's right, 8!
**Relax Fal, only 3 people read this blog. It's not like you're going to be inundated with Friend requests.

Enough!

2009-07-09T16:04:00.003+02:00

Enough already with Michael Jackson! I freely admit to not being a fan of his. I readily concede that a great many loved his music. I get that. To paraphrase Charles Barkley, though, he is not a role model. Unless, of course, you're goal in life is to be a train wreck.

We've all heard of the child molestation allegations. I'm 60-40, maybe 70-30, of the belief that he was not guilty. I'm more convinced that he was just a weird, fucked-up dude, not a child molester. As for the rest of his life: Train Wreck! He had serious, serious self-image problems. Unfortunately, he was wealthy enough to ruin his physical appearance. Is there anyone you can think of anyone who has purposely more hideously disfigured himself or herself? I can't.

He clearly didn't handle his fame and fortune well either. The examples are too numerous to go over here.

Finally, he is now dead because of his own stupidity. He believed taking Diprivan would help him sleep (at least that's what's believe at this time). He had no rational basis for believing this, and yet he did. Is this a role model for you or your loved ones? I didn't think so.

Entertainers entertain us. That's all they do. George Carlin died last year, and you didn't see me holding goofy vigils or crying for the cameras. Get over it, people. Michael Jackson's dead. Maybe he's finally found peace in the great beyond. How about focusing on something really important? Do something nice for the people that helped raised you. Say thanks to a coach or a music teacher who you looked up to, or things along those lines. I guarantee you, Michael Jackson will be as forgotten years from now as Elvis Presley is now.

A Sad, Sad Day

2009-06-24T14:31:00.013+02:00

No, the title is not a reference to the recent passing of Ed McMahon or the break up of Jon and Kate. No, it is a reference to a much more serious issue: the disintegration of the private school I used to work at, Albany Academy for Girls (AAG).

Teaching at AAG was a very unique experience. The job entailed far more than simply teaching Geometry and Calculus. It involved being part of a team that molded its students into confident, independent, free-thinking, and deep-thinking young women, tomorrow's scientists, poets, doctors, authors, artists, etc... This process is far too complex and detailed to describe here, but needless to say, it involved an incredible amount of work and dedication on the part of the faculty.

In my last year of teaching at AAG three years ago, it merged with the all-boys school across the street, Albany Academy, forming "The Albany Academies". Unfortunately and coincidentally, the Head of both schools retired at the end of the year as well, resulting in an interim Head of School being hired and a restructure of the administration.

People that I know who don't like sports can't understand my fascination with them, but the sports world can be a metaphor for the "real" world. The perfect analogy here is the 1997-98 Chicago Bulls. For many years, Michael Jordan* threatened to retire if Coach Phil Jackson** was not brought back to coach the team. Jackson used Jordan's support to leverage lucrative coaching contracts that made him the highest-paid coach, by a mile, in the NBA. During the '97-'98 season, General Manager Jerry Krause finally tired of dealing with Jordan and Jackson, and hired Tim Floyd*** for the following year, exclaiming he was the perfect candidate to rebuild the Bulls in the post-Jordan era. After winning their 6th championship in 8 years, Jordan retired as promised when Jackson was not asked back. What followed was as predictable as it was laughable and sad. The Bulls were as bad as Jordan and Jackson's teams were good. Floyd left within two years after piling up an ungodly amount of losses, and Krause left in 2003 after having turned the team into one to the league's biggest laughingstocks.

Yesterday I found out that the Social Studies teacher who worked next to my classroom has had her contract rescinded for next year, that is, she will not be returning. Let me back up a little bit here.

This former colleague of mine is/was everything AAG could ever ask for or hope for in a teacher. She was hard working, strong, confident, intelligent...the list goes on and on. She was from my perspective, the best role model AAG could ever hope for. The girls loved her. Loved. Her.

So what happened? There was some conflict between her and the new administration. Internet etiquette prevents me from giving details, but I can assure you she was right, they were wrong. Now, she's been told she will not be returning because of her "unprofessional" behavior.

So why do I care, you might ask. After all, I live literally 1000 miles away, and I don't work there anymore. She and I weren't even especially close - she taught social studies, I taught math. One reason I do care is that I was once part of a great team that did a great job not just educating students, but helping them become, truly become, all that they could be. It saddens me to see the great place I used to work at become a shadow of its former self.

But the sadness is nothing compared to the anger. Anger over what? Anger over the lies! Whose lies? I will not mince words here: Interim Head of School Richard Barter's lies, School Administrators Anastasia Giordano and Scott Milliken's lies! The lies of cowards, all three! I am angered that administrators, not just at AAG, but everywhere, have this power to lie and push through their petty agendas. These lies belittle the accomplishments and dedication, not just of my former colleague, but everyone who works or worked there and sends the My-Way-Or-The-Highway message clearly intended to squash future conflicts. And, unlike Phil Jackson, who had millions of dollars to fall back on until the perfect job came up, if this decision stands, she will have to start job hunting soon.

What angers me even more than lies, though, are bold face lies. Those are lies that are told knowing that those listening will recognize them to be lies. Bold face liars rely on the reluctance of their listeners to have a confrontation on the lies. I really hate that. There is not a single student, teacher, or parent that believes my former colleague has an unprofessional bone in her body. Everyone knows it, and yet the lies...

So what's going to happen now? The AA community is in turmoil. It would take a mature person, a person of character, to admit he or she made a mistake and correct that mistake. I wish I could see it happening, but I don't. These cowards almost certainly will dig their heels in deeper, give meaningless, vague PR nonsense as answers to any questions, hope to survive the initial wrath of the AA community, and most certainly continue their legacy of poor decision making. If this decision stands and you hear,"Oh, we can't talk about personnel decisions" what they are really saying is, "We can't lie about the situation publicly or we'll be sued for libel and slander."**** What cowardice!

If this decision stands, my former colleague will become a valuable asset at some other school starting next year. After all, the Bulls' loss was the Lakers' gain. Years from now she may smile at the thought that this administration ran the school into the ground like Krause's Bulls were, and that she was at least spared that experience. I hope that if enough of a spotlight is shone, if enough hell is raised, that those in the wrong will see the error of their ways, and that she will be asked back, but of course, it's completely out of my hands.

Chris Phillips
Former Mathematics Instructor at Albany Academy for Girls

* You may have heard of him. He was only the NBA's greatest player.
**You may have heard of him. He is arguably the NBA's most successful coach, having coached a record 10 championship teams, including recently, his 4th since leaving the Bulls.
***You may have heard of him. He recently left the USC basketball program in shambles in the face of almost certain NCAA sanctions.
****I fear no libel and slander accusations in posting this as the truth is an absolute defense against libel and slander.

Grabbag Tuesday

2009-06-09T02:04:00.006+02:00

Prepare To Be Amazed

You better sit down. OK, are you relaxed? Need your heart medication? No? OK then, check out the picture below. It's a doorway. Only there's no door right? I mean, there couldn't possibly be room for a door!

Next is the same doorway, only, suddenly there's a door! How could this be? There aren't even any hinges. Did a magic door fairy suddenly install a door? Sort of - it's my 12 Shades of Awesome Pocket Door! Well, it still needs a coat of paint (the molding too), but it's essentially done! I know, I am awesome.

This Past Weekend

The G-Train really, really, really, really wanted to see the Celtic Woman. So I got us some tickets - front row, center section tickets baby! It was all pretty cool. I got to hang with some relatives, had caviar for the first time in my life - good times.

That Drysdale Better Still Be Shiny, Falwless!

My cat - what a goofball! Honestly, where does he get it from?

My 12 Shades of Awesome Home Remodeling

2009-05-31T00:47:00.014+02:00

If you're friends with me on Facebook, you know I've been quite busy with the home owner projects. I'm currently in the midst of putting in a pocket door which was considerably more difficult than I thought it was going to be, but the end is in sight nonetheless. I'll post some pictures when it's all done.

A couple weeks ago, I put up some waynsecoting in our guest bathroom that came out quite well if I do say so myself.

Back when the G-Train and I lived in Bangor, NY, we built one thing after another at our house. Before that, I helped build many projects both at my jobs and where I lived. Here are some pictures from those days.

Here's my driveway I designed and made.

Here's a porch I added to my house. It didn't last long.

Here's a window I put in.

Here's a staircase I added to my house.

And here's a home security camera I added.

When I worked for a construction company back in the late 80s, I helped out on two projects before they laid me off. One was putting in some balconies at an apartment complex and the other was installing an ATM at a bank.

A No-Brainer

2009-05-20T16:04:00.003+02:00

It's over - Adam Lambert won. Easily. He will go on to be rich and famous. His work will legitimize American Idol. American Idol will be known as the show that discovered "the Great Adam Lambert". Kris Allen did a credible job, and he should have a halfway decent career, but c'mon. He was no Adam. Add this prediction to my "Bailout is a bad idea" and "American car companies need to focus on boosting their MPG" that I've preached about in the past.

Advice the Wisest of Sages Would Give

2009-05-14T00:24:00.002+02:00

When watching Family Feud with your wife and the question is "Name an age at which a woman is most interesting", it is a really bad idea to blurt out "19!"

Really bad.

About Last Night

2009-05-06T15:24:00.003+02:00

This ain’t no Brat Pack, this ain’t no disco, aaaahhhh, finally – an AI show I won’t fall asleep during: Rock Week! Finally, a genre of music that I know something about.

First up – Adam Lambert singing Whole Lotta Love. Great choice, I get it. He gets to practice with Guest Mentor of the Week Slash. If you nail Whole Lotta Love with Slash, someday his people will call your people about making an album. Adam did get it right, with Slash and on the show. If he wanted to have a little fun, though, he could have done Sweet’s Ballroom Blitz.

Next up – Allison, who did Janis Joplin’s Cry Baby, not a good choice. If I were her, I would have gone with No Doubt’s Don’t Speak or Kim Carnes' Betty Davis Eyes. If she had her heart set on a Janis Joplin song, how about Me and Bobby McGee?

The next performance was a duet by Kris and Danny, Styx’ Renegade. It was a great choice and well sung, but both seemed ill at ease during the performance. This is clearly not their area of specialty.

Kris then did the Beatles’ Come Together and was very mediocre. If he had his heart set on a Beatles song, how about A Day in the Life? He could have had some fun tinkering with the arrangements. If I were him, though, I think I would have done Bryan Adams’ Run To You or maybe Tommy James’ Draggin the Line.

Danny finished up the solo performances with Aerosmith’s Dream On which in a word was Cheesy, Cheesy, Cheesy, Cheesy! I get that he wants to do a classic, how about the Who’s Baba O’Reilly? Or Springsteen’s Born in the USA, or Born to Run or Glory Days? If he had his heart set on Aerosmith, how about Chip Away at the Stone?

The final performance was the Adam/Allison duet, Foghat’s Slow Ride. Brilliant choice, great performance. Simon commented that Adam may have saved Allison by teaming up with her, and I have to agree.

So who’s getting sent home? You could make a case for anyone but Adam. Probably Danny deserves most to go home, but he seems to have a voting block backing him that I don’t get. If there’s a Bottom 2, I’m putting Kris and Danny in it, with Kris hitting the road when it’s all said and done. Mathdude out.

Best Live Albums #2-5

2009-04-29T23:21:00.010+02:00

Facebook has this cool feature where you can pick what you think is the 5 greatest albums of all-time. Mine were: Everclear's Songs From An American Movie, AFI's Sing The Sorrow, Pink Floyd's The Wall, Billy Idol's Cyberpunk, and UFO's Strangers In The Night. Those were probably the 5 you were thinking of, right? No? I'd be very* interested in hearing what your top 5 are. Anyways, the Facebook thing is cool and all, but what about the 5 Best Live Albums?

Let's start with what a great live album actually is. First off, it needs to be a double album. If you don't have 2 albums worth of really good songs, wait until you do. Unfortunately, this rule eliminates Motorhead's No Sleep 'Til Hammersmith and Ian Hunter's Welcome To The Club since it really only has 3 sides live. A great live album should also have improved upon versions of the band's songs. That is, you should want to hear the live version over the original studio version. Got it?

While I may get arguments for some of these choices, let's be clear. We're really only talking about slots 2 through 5 because there is only one album that merits being called the greatest of all time. Up-bup: no discussion necessary. Don't argue, you'll only make yourself look bad.

#1 'Nuff said.

#2 - Kiss' Alive** OK, this is an oldie, but it is excellent from beginning to end. It is a perfect example of a great live album in that it chonicles the bands music of their first 4 albums and contains versions better than the originals. I defy you to put it on and tell me it's dated.

#3 Lynryd Skynryd's One More From The Road This one has one classic after another, better than the originals, culminating in a version of Freebird that is an all-time great. I'm not a country rock fan, and my liking this one so much speaks volumes for how good it really is.

#4 Nightwish's End Of An Era Hey, I know, lets take a heavy metal band from Finland and put a female opera singer in for the lead singer. Nah, that would never work, would it? It most definitely would! Of course, I'll probably take a hit or two for making it #4. Don't knock it until you hear it.

#5 Thin Lizzy's Live and Dangerous This one may be kind of a surprise, but it absolutely meets the definition of a great live album. I think I wore the grooves out on my copy back in the 10th grade.

*couldn't be less interested in hearing about your wrong 5 albums.

**WTF? Why does Blogger always do this to me? Why is it publishing the wrong font size? I hate this shit!

The Best Of The Best

2009-04-20T20:13:00.003+02:00

I was listening to the greatest album ever made over the weekend: Everclear's Songs From An American Movie. Up-bup: before you argue Everclear's Slow Motion Daydream is the greatest album of all-time, I got 2 songs for ya: Now That It's Over with its When the Levee Breaks drums, its Wall-Of-Sound-esque sound, and its scathing lyrics that make Rassles' rants on Bonnie Bodelia sound like lovefests and Out Of My Depth with lyrics dedicated to a different dysfunctionality. I toyed with making available 6 or 7 songs from this album, but decided to limit it to 2. I'm lazy, ok? Enjoy!

BTW: Everclear's first 4 albums are the best "First 4" of any band, but Van Halen and the White Stripes are close runner-ups in case you were wondering. Everclear's 5th album stunk, though, and their 6th was fairly mediocre as well.

2009-04-16T04:59:00.005+02:00

These "T.E.A." tax morons remind me of a half-way decent posting by a half-way decent blogger (almost as good as me) back in the day. Hey, righties, get over it. You lost. Reprinted without permission is Falwless' Election Day posting.

So I celebrated the election results tonight with friends and I was so motherfucking proud, for the very first time, to see MY state, Carolina of the North (also known as "The Awesome Carolina") too close to even call in the presidential race. Even now as I type this so late in the evening, CNN won't choose a color for us.  But fuck it, I'm calling it. CNN - listen up! 

NORTH CAROLINA IS

OFFICIALLY A BLUE STATE!

Awwwww yeaaahhhhh. Tarheel blue, baby. Beautiful Carolina blue.

And, just in case things didn't go my way tonight, here was a nice little note to the red states from the blue states, which was originally written sometime during the 2004 election cycle. But it rings true even now. I couldn't have said it better.

Dear Red States,

If you manage to steal this election, too, we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WalMart.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

I, for one, am fucking elated we don't have to carry through with this threat now...

GO BLUE!

Worth Breaking The Silence

2009-04-08T20:26:00.004+02:00

If you haven't been watching American Idol, something amazing is going on there - an honest-to-God musician/artist is performing on a level the likes of which the show has never seen. Adam Lambert aka "Madame Glambert" (Beckeye's name) is a man among boys, no pun intended. If the show's producers don't screw up their dealings with him, he will legitimize the AI brand. I defy you to disagree with me so we can come back in a couple years and laugh at your ridiculous contrary comments!

Going Out Of Business Sale

2009-02-06T15:14:00.002+01:00

Yeah, I hate to say it, but it's happening here. I'm dropping out of the everyday blogger role. Why? For two reasons. First and foremost is that I have been teaching a full-time college schedule for a few weeks now, and that makes it almost impossible to find time to do the everyday blogger thing. I won't go into the boring details, but I'll say that if I don't have the time to do it right, I shouldn't do it. Secondly, several of the bloggers I followed have either officially or unofficially dropped out themselves making it difficult to go out and find worthwhile bloggers to interact with. I've said in the past that 99% of the blogosphere is completely unreadable crap. If the 1% worth hanging around starts losing members...ah, you get the picture.

Does this mean I'm done-done? Absolutely not. Not having to post three times a week here will give me time to spend a little more time at the West Point Skateboard Gang blog. Speaking of which, I finished last week's story of what I did when I was subbing and a kid was throwing pennies at a "slow" girl over there. If you want the ending, click here. I also plan on continuing being a world-class commentor on the world-class blogs I follow. When the semester ends, I plan on reassesing my situation, but if I'm working a full-time work load, and I think I will, I don't see how I can reopen. Who knows though? Maybe I'll make a Ginormousboobs-like resurrection out of nowhere someday! Until then, I'll see you around!

Oh one other thing, Beckeye, the Boss and the Steelers still suck! Go Yankees!!!!!

Since You Were Born To Run, Why Don't You Run On Down The Road

2009-02-03T01:29:00.003+01:00

I've got a decent-sized CD collection, about 400, but not a single second of it anything by Bruce Springsteen. His Super Bowl halftime performance has done nothing to inspire me to go out and buy any of his music either.

I'll start by giving you that Springsteen is a hall of fame songwriter, possibly the greatest lyricist of all time, and a singer with one of the most recognizable classic voices ever. I concede these points even though I'm not a fan of his music. It's just not my cup of tea.

So what's not to like? Well, I find him to be as phony as a $3 bill. Let's start with his guitar. Why does he hold one, pretending that he's playing? It either isn't plugged into anything or the volume on it is turned down so as not to be heard. WTF? It's not just the Super Bowl, either. I don't follow him, and I haven't seen all of his concert footage, but I've never seen him play a guitar that was hooked up to anything. Either he's a guitar player or he's not. Which is it? I don't mind if he's just a singer, but he's got an image to uphold. A totally fraudulent, fake image, but still...

Next. During the Super Bowl, judging by "face-time", the boss's wife, Patti Scialfa, must be an integral part of the band. Reality: she's a back-up singer, nothing more. Her guitar didn't emit any sounds during the Super Bowl either. If I'm Little Steven, I'd be pissed.

Finally, let's talk about his overall image. I've heard over and over about how ol' Bruce is one of the "common man", that he represents "Joe Six-Pack". If you actually believe this, I've got some prime Florida real estate and the deed to the Brooklyn Bridge I'd like to sell to you. He is a pampered, spoiled, temperamental, prissy prima donna. If you believe otherwise, you're believing in an image crafted by his record company to sell records. I don't fault him for this. I just resent being lied to so blatantly. For years he's turned down doing the Super Bowl halftime show because, he's "the Boss". He's too big to do the halftime show. This year though, he has an album out that ain't doing so well, because the music industry is in utter turmoil and nobody is selling, and it's "hey, about that Super Bowl gig..."

Hey, you want him? You can have him. I'll just continue to ignore him.

A 12 Shades of Awesome Super Bowl Regardless

2009-02-02T04:47:00.002+01:00

Yes, ultimately it was a disappointment, but having the lead late in the game was truly amazing. My dad called right after we took the lead and said that we scored too quickly. If we scored before halftime instead of getting scored on, we win. Whatever. My pulse was at about 8,000 beat per minute until Pittsburgh scored the winning score.

I think we're seeing only the beginning of something amazing with the Cards. Now let's sign Boldin for as much as we signed Fitzgerald. The Bidwell ownership in the past has been the model of stinginess in letting good players walk resulting in teams that year after year that can't out of the quicksand of losing. Now Billy Bidwell is too old to be in charge - THANK GOD!! The team is way, way under the salary cap. Let's hope Bidwell's son sees the light. Long live the Cardinals!!!

Off With Their Heads!!!

2009-01-30T03:12:00.003+01:00

Wall Street just doesn't get it, does it? I'm glad Obama's shining a big ol' spotlight on their bullshit! You think Bush would have? Um, what is "No", Alex? My brother's got it right over at his place. Jackson, bring back your catch phrase I used in the title!

Set your VCRs for Sunday! It's going to be historic!

Back In Business...

2009-01-26T20:25:00.002+01:00

Did ya see who's back?

Someone (an all-girl band I suppose) needs to do a remake of "The Boys Are Back In Town" only make it "The Girls Are Back In Town". Stacy London would be agree.

Who Do I Think Is Going To Win Sunday?

2009-01-26T20:06:00.003+01:00

Hmm, let me spell it out for ya!

C is for: “C, I told you the Cardinals would win!”
A is for: “A, you didn’t think the Steelers would win, did ya?”
R is for: “R you kidding me? Steelers win? Hahahahahahahaha…”
D is for: “D only way da Cardinals lose is if day don’t show up!”
I is for: “I know you’re rooting for the Cardinals, right?”
N is for: “N-ter the Sandman would be a great song for the Cardinals to walk on the field with!”
A is for: “A, didn’t I do this one already?”
L is for: “Loser. Actually that doesn’t really belong in here*.
S is for: “Super Bowl Champion, as in the 12 Shades of Awesome, Super Bowl Champion Arizona Cardinals, Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled – Ever!”

*..."Tion" ( shun) as in "to shun your body". Hmm, that doesn't really belong here...

Violence...Violence...It's The Only Thing, That Will Make You See Sense

2009-01-23T17:14:00.012+01:00

Dat-dat-dat-duh
Dat-dat-dat-duh
Dat-dat-dat-duh
Dat-dat-dat-duh...

Awesome song (a Track of the Week), that Violence from Mott the Hoople's All The Young Dudes album.

I remember when I was 27 or so, living in Albany. I had a full-time job outside of teaching, but the economy was so bad, I was encouraged to substitute teach as much as possible because there just wasn't enough work for me at my regular job.

One day I was subbing, and first period I had a non-Regents class (sweathogs). About half way through the lesson, I heard a very slight noise to my right. "Tink." WTF? A couple minutes later, I heard it a second and third time. I carefully scanned the empty area trying to figure out what the hell was going on when I saw a couple pennies on the floor. "Are these little fuckers throwing pennies at me?" I thought. It didn't seem likely, because I thought they would have hit me if they had.

I finished the lesson with one eye on the class. I gave them some problems to work on and walked around the class checking and helping as directed by the sub notes. When I got to the front of the room to the right of where I was giving the lesson, I got it. The girl sitting there was "slow", I don't know, maybe mildly retarded. Certainly not much to look at either. Oh, man. One of the 4 assholes in the back of the room was throwing pennies at her.

Later, when the regular teacher called to see how things went, he told me she was in fact a little "slow", that she was the daughter of another teacher whose wife had died of breast cancer a year earlier, and that all the teachers were just trying to help get this girl through high school. Of course, I didn't know any of that when this was happening (probably a good thing).

Anywho, up to this point I hadn't given any indication that I knew pennies were being thrown. After all, I am the calm, cool, collected Mathdude. I had semi-long hair and was adept at pretending to look in one direction while actually looking in another. On the next penny throw, I saw who it was - the short, punk ass bitch behind the huge football player. I told him to see me at the end of class in 5 minutes.

OK, now what? I knew how this would probably end. I would walk with him on the perp-walk to the office. I'd tell the principal what happened. He'd deny it, say I don't have any proof, and accuse one of the other sweathogs around him. He'd get sent to his 2nd period class and high five his friends on his way to his seat...or would he?

I had 5 minutes to think about it. Dat-dat-dat-duh, dat-dat-dat-duh, dat-dat-dat-duh, dat-dat-dat-duh...

-To be continued-

More Of Mathdude's Unbelievable Music Insights

2009-01-21T21:29:00.006+01:00

Asshole of the Year 2008
Did you hear about this one? While waiting to perform on the Today Show back in November, this rock star was in the "Green Room" when some kids with cancer from St. Jude's Hospital, who were also appearing on the show, came into the room. The rock star threw a hissy fit and told the Today Show people to get "THOSE kids OUT"! The Today Show people then escorted the kids to a closed food court with dirty bathrooms and no food to nosh on where they waited for an extended period of time until they went on. Who was this "rock star"? Marilyn Manson, right? Nope - it would be funny if he performed on the Today Show, though. Ozzy Osbourne? Nope. Alice Cooper? Emminem? Mick Jagger? Simon Cowell? Nope, nope, nope, and nope/not a rock star. The "rock star" was Barry Manilow! Jerkwad!

Tracks of the Week
As one of the world's foremost IanHunterologists and MottheHooplologists*, I have for you Big Time from Hunter/Ronson's YUI Orta which I picked up the other day with an Amazon.com gift certificate**. Sure, Big Time is Once Bitten, Twice Shy tinkered with and sped up to be a rockability song, but it's still awesome.

I've long maintained that the Hunter/Ronson callaboration is rock's greatest. Sure Jaggar/Richards and McCartney/Lennon may have sold more and/or written better songs, but each of those members would have done just fine on their own. While Ian Hunter is clearly a rock innovator, and Mick Ronson a hall of fame guitarist, their collaboration efforts far exceed what they did/could do individually.

From the get-go, Tracks of the Week have been about making available those songs that you may have missed. YUI Orta is one of my favorite Hunter/Ronson albums, even if it is overlooked for being released so much after their heyday (mid-70s to early 80s).

My other Tracks of the Week offerings are 2 lesser-known Mott the Hoople tracks: Violence and Henry & the H-Bomb. Enjoy!

*In no particular order, I believe the world's leading authorities besides myself are Jackson, his 2 brothers, and Beth.
**along with a Hives album I didn't have and Loverboy's Get Lucky - classic!

Grabbag Tuesday

2009-01-20T16:15:00.002+01:00

Millimeters of Snow Blanket Western North Carolina
In all fairness, the lack of ability to clear the roads here does make for very slippery roads, much slipperier than in NY where the roads already have salt and sand on them from the frequent snow. That said though, it's comical how everyone rushes to the store to buy milk and bread. I'm talkin' gallons of milk and loaves of bread. I don't get it. It's supposed to be in the 50's by Thursday. What are you supposed to do with a shitload of milk and bread in 2 or 3 days? Also, schools don't factor in snow days into the school calendar like they do in NY, so nobody really wants to close. The college I teach at is on a delayed opening. Again. So I'm going to have to go in late and teach my one shortened class. Man it's tough teaching college.

Letters to my Brother-In-Law and Nephew
Because Coolmomma's hubby and son are die-hard Steeler fans, I'm mailing out a harrassing letter a day until the Super Bowl. The first goes out today. It's an invitation to the Arizona Cardinal Victory Party at my house following the game. Tomorrow I'm sending this.

Here's a typical Steeler fan on February 1, 2009, the day the Cardinals crush the Steelers in Super Bowl XLII.

Waaaaaaaahhh! The Cardinals are so much better than us!!! Waaaaaahhhh!

I know, I am mature, huh?

The 12 Shades of Awesome NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals, Probably The Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever!

2009-01-19T16:51:00.003+01:00

Hmm, that has a nice ring to it. Of course they have no chance against the Steelers, right? Because, no way could they have beaten Matty Ice and the NFL's leading rusher in the first round. Then of course, there's no way they could beat the Panthers, who but for the fact they played the Giants in NY would have been the number 1 seed in the NFC. And no way they beat the Eagles who had made them look so bad on Thanksgiving.

So what are you missing? How about this: maybe Whisenhunt and his staff are showing themselves to be game planners beyond the likes of which we've seen. Perhaps their game plan all along was to save Edge's aging legs for the post-season. The contrast between the regular season Cardinals and the playoff Cardinals has been stunning.

Also, few know how hard Whisenhunt has pushed this team physically in the off-season. While I've surprised at how good they've been in the playoffs, I've also been surprised that they haven't had more success in the past two regular seasons under him.

I think it's perfectly fitting that Whisenhunt is playing the team that he left because they didn't promote him to head coach when Cowher left. As I've been saying throughout the playoffs, I like our chances.

It will be interesting to see Cardinal jerseys around for a change. In my 35 years of fanship, I have never met another Cardinal fan. Let the bandwagon jumping begin. Hey, Beckeye. C'mon, jump on up over here. I got a window seat on the bandwagon right here next to Red and Falwless. You better get on soon, because the spots are going fast!

As for yesterday's game, I was a bit surprised how they let Philly back in it, but not surprised we were able to take the lead back and hold onto it. Philly fans can't blame McNabb. Well they can and will, but they can't do so fairly. It's not his fault the Cards scored 32. He got them the lead in the 4th which would have stood up had the defense been able to show up when it mattered. He only threw 1 harmless interception that they got back on the fumbled return. I don't think any of that will matter to Philly fans. Oh well, sucks to be you guys!

Anyone interested in attending Mathdude's 12 Shades of Awesome Super Bowl Party and Cardinal Victory Party, let me know.

Beyond 12 Shades of Awesome

2009-01-12T03:58:00.003+01:00

It's like, when the universe ends, what comes after that? Since the 12 Shades of Awesome Arizona Cardinals, Probably the Greatest, ah, you know the rest, won on Saturday night, I have been dazed. We've never been to this place before.

At half time, I was talking to my best friend, Kingston Steve, and he told me that sure, Arizona was up 27-7, but in all likelihood, Carolina was coming back and would win 28-27 because that was the script. He knew the script, he added, because he was a Jets fan. And he was right, except that the Cardinals continued to pummel the Panthers, more or less. Now, they are the last team to finally be in a Conference Championship. It's unbelievable. It's like seeing what's on the other side of the edge of the universe. If they get killed next Sunday, the season would still be successful beyond my wildest Cardinal fan dreams. I feel as good about this game as I did the other 2, though, so don't be surprised if they pull another rabbit out of a hat and win.

It would have been fun if they were to meet the Chargers in the Super Bowl as it would have given me further reason to trash talk with a certain San Diegan reader, but it wasn't meant to be. I may be able t0 get some trash talking in, though, if the Super Bowl ends up Pittsbugh vs. Arizona. I'm crossing my fingers.

Earning My 2009 Drysdale One Cat Picture At A Time

2009-01-08T15:41:00.002+01:00

My cats are a perfect reflection of me. Hobbs is showing the curled up napping form I taught her while Pester Boy is demonstrating the advanced slacker stretched out nap he copied from me. Well done kitties!

Falwless, Brasso on the brass, copper, and gold parts, Wright's silver polish on the silver and chome, ok? Polish it about every 6 weeks.

Just Some Observations...

2009-01-07T16:30:00.002+01:00

Vince is Way Better Than Billy Mays
OK, my first impression of Vince was not a very good one. Like many others in the blogosphere, I thought he came across as a sleazy used car salesman type in the Sham-Wow commercial. After seeing his latest "work" hawking the slap chopper or whatever the hell that thing is, I think I'm getting his dry sense of humor, and I like him. I wish I could say the same for Billy Mays. Any commercial I see him in, I immediately think, "Why are you shouting? Will you just shut the hell up?!" I'll take Vince any day.

I Was Right #34,578,901,397
I called my parents house 15 minutes before game-time and since no one answered I left this message,"Matty Ice will not have a good game. The Cardinals are winning this one!" Earlier in the day, I talked TA into betting the $15 he owes me (I hijacked my dad paying him back $5 over Christmas - ha!) on the Cardinals as well. When the Falcons scored right before halftime, my SOB 7-year old nephew called me up to ask me about the game - pissant! That's ok, I called him back at the end of the game*. It was pretty satisfying watching the Cards win. It's tempting to drive a couple hours down the road to catch this week's game live, but I think I prefer the comforts of home vs. getting beer thrown on me. As nice as the win was, in '98 they beat the Cowboys in the first round and then lost big time to the Vikings the next week. I'm holding off on the celebrations until I see another win. I think they've got a decent shot against the Panthers. Also, the Giants, Titans, and Chargers will win.

I Was Wrong #3
When The Mentalist came on, I thought it would be a copy of Psych, but it's actually really good. Further, Heroes completely sucked this year.

The Economy Is Ruining The Blogging World
Sure, many have become enamoured with Facebook, but I think people having to actually work at their jobs is killing the blogosphere. I'm hoping the new regime passes legislation allowing 4 hours of blogging at work for every 8 hours worked, kinda like the good ol' days last year. I start teaching on Monday, so I'll be one of those that wishes he had more down time to blog.

That's all I got for ya!

* - Hahahahahahaha! Cardinals won suckas! All you Cardinal-haters suck! Where are all of you now, huh? Wah, the Cardinals can't win because they stunk against New England, wah! They faked you out! The Cardinals don't have a running game - wrong! Losers! We saved an aging Edgerin James for the playoffs, you see that now, right! Super Bowl baby! Look out Panthers! Look out Giants! There's a new sheriff in town! Don't tug on Larry Fitzgerald's cape! Hey E-man, what's up with your Falcons now? How come you didn't call me back after halftime? Cards win! Cards win! Cards win!

Bob Lefsetz, Music Industry Insider/Genius

2009-01-06T19:01:00.002+01:00

Here's one of Bob Lefsetz's recent newsletters. The dude is pure genius! If you wish to subscribe, go to http://www.lefsetz.com/lists/?p=subscribe&id=1.

"You know physical retail is on its last legs when Bruce Springsteen creates a special product for Wal-Mart. It's like there's a flood and everyone has retreated to high ground. In this case, the one location that seems able to sell physical product. But it's really more like a drought. The consumer is no longer raining money. And it's even worse, there's not enough food at Wal-Mart. Bryan Adams' album didn't sell there. Not everything moves in the big box store. Not everything is moving period.

Pete Wentz is in every gossip blog known to man. The tiny dork is now part of the Simpson family and just like with his sister-in-law Jessica, the public is losing interest. Fall Out Boy's "Folie A Deux" not only didn't debut at number one, it fell into the chart at number 8, selling a whopping 110,000 fewer copies than last year's effort.

As for Web-craziness, Soulja Boy's album debuted at number 43, selling less than half of his previous effort, a measly 46,000 in total. AND THIS IS CHRISTMAS WEEK!

Blame it on the economy. Be my guest. Bury your head in the sand. But sales were off before it turned out the Wall Street masters of the universe were raping and pillaging our country, creating undervalued derivatives comprised of mortgages that people couldn't pay.

Yes, they're not going to buy CDs either, but they will still acquire music. Digital files.

Albeit for free. This is the end my friend. This is the last hurrah. And the record business does not employ enough people to warrant a government bailout. Sure, GM has been mismanaged for even a longer period of time, but by digital standards, the record companies were exposed to the canary in the coal mine first. But they'd listened to too many hard rock records to realize the chirping was gone, they only heard the tinnitus in their ears.

No one's got any sympathy for the record companies. Who are now in land grab mode, their 360 deals no different from kings hoarding the goods of peasants. As for the acts... Too many had lifestyles equivalent to the Wall Street players. Consumers like supporting your music, they're not so happy about financing your lavish lifestyle.

But musicians think they're immune. Very few remember the pre-Beatle days. When stardom did not mean vast riches, diamond selling albums, private jet lifestyles. They just can't believe they're not entitled to wealth. So, when record sales tanked, they just raised ticket prices, as if the public didn't notice. But it's interesting, people only want to pay a lot to see the legendary, classic acts. Or maybe the new ones once. We're not building any infrastructure. We're just throwing crap against the wall. And now our cupboards are bare. The audience has moved on. They'd rather buy wiis. They deliver more entertainment value.

Sales last week were off THIRTY THREE PERCENT from the equivalent week last year. If you can find a silver lining in this fact, you probably believe Bernie Madoff is going to take it all back on Passover, saying he just wanted to play a practical joke on his investors.

The record companies, the publishers, they've made music free. All in the name of saving it, of protecting its value. Good work guys. And now even your pension money is in jeopardy, you had to put those double digit millions somewhere. You fucked it up really good. You said people would rather listen on physical discs. You thought music was best when it was ten tracks for almost twenty bucks. You thought the iPod was overpriced and then demonized Apple for creating an online market to capture some digital sales money. You deserve to lose your jobs. Your companies should be turned over to twentysomethings who know how people truly acquire music these days. You were building the equivalent of SUVs for years, but now the bottom has fallen out. Because people don't want overhyped product with very little lasting satisfaction at the center.

It's a new day. The future paradigm is how does one get people to listen to your tracks from the vast assembled multitude of music they pay very little for. It's a heyday for listeners, everything's at their fingertips. The labels could have monetized this acquisition, if only they'd owned up to reality. But if you never used Napster, how could you realize how great it was?

You can't sell CDs in defunct Circuit City stores. You can't sell them in the indie shops that have gone under. Wal-Mart may move some product, but it's taking fewer titles. It's like a game of musical chairs. Sony's happy AC/DC broke through, but nothing else has. Time to change the game. Time to stop running for the hills and to build a boat. Time to realize the nineties are over. Hell, MTV not only isn't airing any music, its numbers are tanking and it's banking on reality shows. They missed the Internet too. Stop looking at your old partners and start dealing with reality."

Guest Posting #3: Rassles

2009-01-05T16:15:00.003+01:00

It's always exciting to write on someone else's blog. Usually I live here.

I think it’s like going to a bar you’ve never been to and drinking a couple dozen White Russians – you never know where you’ll end up and when it’s done, you’ll probably be filled with regrets and lots of questions about what happened. I don’t know what Mathdude expects me to write here. I’m not that good at math, and I certainly don’t know any math jokes. Still, he doesn’t ever write about math, so how bad can I be?

(Cell phone rings to One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer ringtone)

Me: Hello?

Molinder: Where are you?

Me: I’m at Eating Chicken Vindaloo.

MoL: Where’s that?

Me: It’s Mathdude’s blog.

MoL: Mathdude? Who’s that?

Me: I don’t know. Some sketchy old dude. I think he’s stalking me.

MoL: So why are you writing a post for him?

Me: I don’t know. As a favor, I guess.

MoL: Because you’re easy?

Me: Because you’re a skanky ho?

MoL: So you’re writing fiction, now?

Me: So you’re a skanky ho, now?

MoL: You should write about how highly I think of your writing…

Me: Aw, Molinder…

MoL: …‘cause if you’re writing fiction, you might as well go all out.

Me: I think I’ll write about how you’re so easy, you’d do Alan Rickman.

MoL: Oh, yeah, you’re so easy, you’d do William Atherton.

Me: Hi, Hans. I'm Molinder. You’re cute. Wanna do me?

MoL: Are you drunk?

Me: Drunk? No way. I don’t wrink and drite, I mean drink and write.

Me: You know what, since I’m doing the writing, I can put down that you said anything.

MoL: You wouldn’t!

MoL: I am a skanky ho. I do think Rassle’s blogging is awesome, and I most definitely would do Alan Rickman any time he wants, any way he wants!

Mailbag Time

2009-01-01T16:43:00.006+01:00

What better way to start the New Year than with the interweb's most hated running gag!

From BE in NY: "Va va va hey mathdude. Va va va va I bet va va va va va you're jealous of me being able to go to va va va va Times Square for New Year's Eve, huh? Va va va.." Kay, uh, what is "NO" Alex? Freezing cold, Hanson, er, Jonas Brothers, Lionel Ritchie, and the DJ formerly known as Dick Clark - I think I'll take a pass. Speaking of Dick Clark, dude, it's time to wrap up the New Year's show! Seriously. He was so patheticly bad, he won't recieve much criticism except here. I get it. Your life doesn't end after a stroke. Fine, go on Oprah and tell your story. Be an inspiration to other stroke victims. Be a spokesperson for stroke victims and raise tons of money, but don't pretend that old running gag that you don't age still applies. Turn it over to the latest haircut. Seacrest is ok for that show. Dude, you're creeping us all out.

From Mikey in Boston: "How'd your 'Super Bowl' go, Mathdude?" Hey thanks for rubbing salt in that wound by reminding me that my "Bridesmaid" football season continues. Sadly, I lost my fantasy league's Super Bowl which continued the trend of finishing second for me. I finished 2nd in last year's bowl pool, and I was the runner-up 4 different weeks in my family's college football pool this year. However, it's 2009, baby! I'm going to win the bowl pool! I'm starting the year only one game back. If the boys from Iowa, Michigan State, Clemson, USC, and Virginia Tech can find a way to win today, I can coast to an easy win and not even have to worry much about Texas Tech, East Carolina, Alabama, UConn, Texas, Tulsa, or Florida winning for me.

From Not Hungover 'Cause I'm Still Drinking in Chicago: "Hey Maffdoooooode! I got that posting ready for ya! Wooooo! Yipee-ki-yay mother fucker! Party on! Excellent! Whooo-hooo! " Um, ok, great. BTW everyone, I just remembered. I have jury duty on Monday, so I'm having another guest poster. Another aside - my ECV posting of my 12 Most Influencial Songs is in reruns over at the West Post Skateboard Gang Blog.

Strange Coincidence
This is like that Lincoln-Johnson thing.

Mike Shanahan: Didn't get the job done. Starts 2009 looking for work. Looks just like George W. Bush.

George W. Bush: Didn't get the job done. Starts 2009 looking for work. Looks just like Mike Shanahan.

That's all I got for ya! Happy New Year everyone except Falwless!

Last Posting of 2008

2008-12-30T17:22:00.004+01:00

Put another fabulous Christmas in the books. I visited my stepson, his wife, and his son, then headed to Atlanta to see my parents and siblings. I hope everyone's holidays are/were as good as mine. I don't have much planned for New Year's though, ahem, hint-hint.

During my travels, I met up with Beth from Cup of Coffey. She did such an excellent job writing about it, I won't go into details here. I just have to say that her writing has really gotten good all of a sudden. The depth, the detail, the style, they are all just incredible.

I'm 1 game back in my family's bowl game pool. I've got a good feeling about this one. As for my family members who were pestering me before Sunday's game about the prospect of the Arizona Cardinals being the first .500 team to win a division, how about shutting the hell up? The Cardinals won, just as I said they would and finished 9-7. If you want to gripe about a .500 team winning their division, take your crying over to Gingers Is the Watchword.

That's all I got for ya!

'Tis the Season

2008-12-23T14:31:00.002+01:00

If I have to do reruns, this is the posting I want to start with. This is the one I look back on and say, "I can't top this one. It's all downhill from here." I've added the comments at the end from way back when I posted before.

**********************************************************************

Telling Jokes
I basically suck at telling jokes. You know, "What's black and white and red all over? Answer: The nun my brother punched in the 7th grade".* Yeah, those kind of jokes. Don't get me wrong, I'm a funny guy. If there were Phds given out for making fun of things, people would call me doctor, but about the only time I've been successful at telling one of these types of jokes was on my last day working for New York State Corrections when I got a good guffaw out of the Deputy Superintendent with "What did the child molester say when he got out of prison?"**

The best joke I told, though, was in my high school sophomore year social studies class. I had Mrs. Wilhelm, a tough, serious, older, but excellent teacher. When she asked me to answer the question "Why were the Middle Ages called the 'Dark Ages'?", time froze.

I love how the landlord flies backwards after hearing the punchline! That always happens when I tell a good joke.

In a half a second I had many thoughts. This is it! All those years of studying Bazooka Joe were going to pay off! I fantasized like Ralphie in A Christmas Story that when I said this punchline, the other students were going to fall out of their chairs with laughter.

I debated whether I should actually say this punchline and cause such chaos, but Mrs. Wilhelm had chuckled earlier in the year when another student asked her why the Social Studies teacher went to India for lunch.*** I imagined my name going down in school history as my high school's biggest smart ass! This was gonna be huge! So I unleashed it - "Because there were so many knights in it!" Remarkably, there is actually audio footage from that class! Click here.

"What did you say?" Mrs. Wilhelm asked. "Because there were so many knights in it!" I repeated. Again. "What?" she asked again completely puzzled. I let it go.

A couple days ago, I was standing in line in Macy's**** and the cashier and the customer in front of me were having a conversation about in-laws. The cashier says something about how there's in-laws and outlaws, and they laugh at the Fred Basset-esque joke. Suddenly, I remember a good one, so I speak up: "Hey, you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws, right?" Both shake their head "no". "Outlaws are wanted!" Again. Aah, I still got it!

*Hey, don't be pissed at me, I didn't punch her. Ask him about it.
**I feel like a kid again!*****
***She heard there was a New Delhi there!
****Walmart
*****I'd be careful telling this one, it gets a lot of "fist-based responses" (1-Pistols at Dawn, 2008).******
******OMG! An actual footnote citing a reference and not a joke asterisk! I haven't used one of those since 1989 when I was in college!

1- http://hilarytheguy.blogspot.com/ by Pistols at Dawn*******

*******Damn, the only problem is I'm too lazy to go find the actual place that I'm quoting it from! God, I suck at citing, too!

Comments:

Falwless said...: When I read that first sentence, "I basically suck at telling jokes," I thought to myself, sure, sure, he's just being modest. But then I finished reading the post and I must admit, that is some serious suckage at work. Congratulations. You got a good entry out of it, though! That's the best kind of failure.

Comment has been deleted by Author

Tony Alva said...: "Hey, don't be pissed at me, I didn't punch her. Ask him about it."

Well, she was asking for it! She had claimed in front of my whole 6th grade class that Kiss was a poor man's Alice Cooper and wouldn't take it back. I twice asked nicely and when she refused, it was on!

A joke Falwless could have written:

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A. One guy landed on the moon, and the other rapes children!
Jackson said...: I only wish I had been there for you in Wilhelm's class. You'd a got a hearty guffaw from Jackson.

We can't all be Gilbert Gottfried.
Mathdude said...: Falwless: "Good" entry? "Good"? I think someone's suffering from Genius-Envy...

Deleted Comment: Excellent point! Truer words have never been spoken!

TA: If she met you today, she would most definitely thank you for bringing her down a peg!

Jackson: It's good to know there's a few of us Bazooka Joe affectionados out there!
coolmomma said...: You stole my FUCKING CRICKETS! BASTARD!
Falwless said...: I'm laughing pretty hard at that joke, Tony. Which only makes me wonder--am I really that predictable? Hmph.

Mathnerd--You show me the genius, I'll show you the envy. (OOOOOH BUURRRN, THAT ONE HURT, DINN'IT? OUUUCH.)
Falwless said...: P.S. Why are the time stamps on the comments set to Pacific time zone?

WHO'S GENIUS NOW, BUDDY??
Beth said...: You'd think a GENIUS would know how to cite. You are funny, though.

BTW, dude, you’ve been tagged.
Mathdude said...: CM: Once you cricketed my "Cool New Feature", Tracks of the Week, you gave up all rights to them.

Falwless: You Elementary School level bloggers crack me up!

C-Cup: Don't I have some kind of grace period on being tagged like jury duty? Once you serve, you're good for life, or something like that? No?
Jon said...: That child molester joke cracked me up. But I've been told my sense of humor is "inappropriate", so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.
BeckEye said...: I don't get it.
Mathdude said...: Jon: You should tell it the next time you're in church. I bet they'd be falling out of the pews with laughter.

BE: Get what? There's like 20 funny parts to the posting!

ECV Christmas Schedule

2008-12-22T15:56:00.006+01:00

ECV Christmas Schedule
Tyrell in Accounts Receivable here at ECV is using his vacation time to visit his family. Darlene in payroll went out on maternity leave starting today. Tony in Research and Development called in sick, and Amanda the secretary is just itching to go home. I really don't want to abandon ECV during the holiday time like this blog, so we'll be in vacation mode here. I have a guest poster lined up, and I may post something new here and there, but I plan on having some reruns. In the meantime, here's some cat pictures.

This is Hobbes. She likes to sleep. On people. A lot.

Pester Boy: Most. Spoiled. Cat. Ever.

Oh I'm getting a Drysdale award next year, one way or the other.

Fantasy Football Domination
I've seen it all now. My fantasy football team hasn't folded in the post-season. I won again this week, making it into the Super Bowl for the first time ever. I'm playing my best friend, Kingston Steve who beat me twice during the season this year (and I think he swept me last year as well). The Arizona Cardinals played their JV squad at New England, so it looked. And congrats to Red's San Diego Chargers who can make the playoffs with a win this week for scratching back into the playoff picture. Of course that pales in comparison to the excitement of the San Diego County Credit Union Pointsettia Bowl. Talk about signs of economic turmoil. I'm thinking next year I can get a bowl game named the Eating Chicken Vindaloo Bowl.

That's all I got for ya!

Halloween 1982

2008-12-18T14:47:00.005+01:00

Dr. Zibbs' choice of 2 Blotto songs brings me back to 1982. Blotto was a band that toured college towns in the Northeast. Their heyday coincided with the early success of Weird Al, and as their name suggests, when they came to town, it was time to party. Their claim to fame was "Blottoween" which was basically an excuse to drink to excess, watch Blotto, and participate in the costume contest.

In '82, I went to Blottoween with 2 of my friends at the Chance in Poughkeepsie, a venue that was bigger than a bar, but smaller than an arena. For my costume, I decided to go as Alice Cooper. I had the hair already; I put on the creepy black stuff around the eyes and at the corner of my mouth, and I, um... hmm, how can I put this? Alright, I stole one of my sister's dolls, tied a rope around its neck, attached the other end to my waist, and let it drag along the ground. Relax, it was just a doll. After we parked our car and were walking to the Chance (which was not exactly in the best part of town), this black girl across the street yells out,"Why's that white boy got a baby doll tied to him draggin' on the ground?"

We got to Blottoween, suffered through the warm-up band, and drank a few brewskis. I had to stop after a few, because I was the DD, but my friend Honneker got, well, blotto. Before Blotto came on, they had the costume contest. I got onstage, and when my number was called, I stepped forward and made like Pete Townsend with the doll. I swung it to the floor and smashed it to pieces. Shockingly, I didn't win the costume contest.

I retrieved the head and returned to my seat in the balcony area. Honneker insisted that I give him the head so that he could throw it at Blotto, you know, in that way that drunks can get focused on one stupid thing and won't shut the hell up about it. Finally, I gave it to him to shut him up. From the balcony I had a perfect view to watch him get to the floor level and, with surprising accuracy and zing, hit one of the guys in Blotto with the doll head. I also saw him get picked up .3 seconds later by 2 mack truck-sized bouncers and thrown out the door. After the show, we met up with Honneker outside. He was still surprisingly drunk (New York in late October isn't exactly warm) was walking up to people and telling them,"Hey, man, the Chance really sucks! They won't even let you throw doll heads at the band!"

Since then, the Chance has burned to the ground and was rebuilt, but I hear they still won't let you throw doll heads at the bands there. Assholes!

Mathdude's Eating Chicken Vindaloo Christmas Extravaganza

2008-12-16T05:36:00.009+01:00

Seeing that it is the holiday season, ol' Mathdude here is going to hook you up with his favorite Christmas songs.

First up: Darlene Love's Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home). Each Christmas Eve, Jay Thomas goes on the David Letterman Show, and he and Dave have a contest to see who can hit the star off the top of the Christmas tree with a football. Jay always wins. Then the show closes with Darlene singing. They've been doing that every year for 10 or 12 years or some shit like that.

Next: Band-Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas? This was Bob Geldoff's baby back in the 80s to raise money for African starvation relief. It was subsequently copied by the asshole American We Are The World movement. This song is infinitely hipper, and actually infinitely better in every way than We Are The World.

Finally, I have Weird Al's Christmas At Ground Zero. Not hearing about me putting the Ramone's Blitzkrieg Bop on my mom's Cats cassette, my in-laws asked me many years ago to tape some Christmas CDs they had because they didn't own a CD player. I snuck this onto the end of the tape, like I did with Blitzkrieg Bop. Only they never called me on it.

Well that's about i- Oh my God, everyone, you won't believe what just happened! It's a Christmas Miracle! Dr. Zibbs of That Blue Yak just came through the door! How awesome is that?

Me: Zibbs! What's happening?
Zibbs: Bubble-up!
Me: Dude, this is perfect timing. How about you take over while I go watch me some Judge Judy?
Zibbs: Bubble up!
Me: Awesome! Ladies and gentlemen: Dr. Zibbs!

*looks around* Nice spread you have here Mathdude. I see you're giving away music from your collection. What else do you have in there? Hmm. Here's one. If you're at work right now, I want you to download and play the Surfari's Wipe Out, and turn up the volume of your computer all the way. Jump up on your desk and dance along. You can do the Mash Potato, the Swim, or that Lawn Sprinkler dance. Then when they get to the drum part, I want you to play the butt bongos. Just turn facing away from your audience, and spank your bottom as though it were a bongo drum. That ought to get the party started. I do this all the time where I work at Christmas.

Let's see, what else is here? Oooh, here's a good one, Blotto's Too Much Fun. That's a lot like Wipe Out. You should dance on your desk for that one too!

What else...well, since I have the Blotto out, wait. Ahem, um, Beth, there's a big story on CNN.com about REM. Something about the band breaking up. You should check it out........... Ok, good, she's gone. The rest of you should listen to Blotto's Metalhead. It's a hoot, and it makes fun of heavy metal heads. I just didn't want to encour- Oops, she's coming back...
Ok, I gotta get back to ol' West Chester people. You guys stop on by, ok?

Bubble-Up!

Grabbag Monday (Big Surprise, huh?)

2008-12-15T18:08:00.006+01:00

Ad stolen from my sister Coolmomma:

I Think That Was The Carriage Turing Back Into A Pumpkin
Wow, the Arizona Cardinals really stink up the joint Sunday. I'm thinking that since they clinched the playoffs, they're practicing the Wishbone Offense or some other weird shit to spring on their playoff opponents. In the meantime, the 12 shades of fucking asshole Dallas Cowboys beat up on the Giants. At least the G-Men got a few good shots on Romo. My fantasy team won its playoff game, convincingly even. I know a certain Brown socks and yellow adult-diaper Bostonite that is seething with jealousy!

To The Dude Be-Bopping Around Walmart Buying A Toilet Plunger Acting Like He's Some Kind Of Rap Star
Dude. Seriously. You're in Walmart. With a toilet plunger. I was cooler than you in any of my goofy pictures on Facebook. Even this one.

Mailbag Time

2008-12-11T15:06:00.002+01:00

GM from St. Louis writes in: "Mathdude, did you see all those bloggers that got together in my neck of the woods? You're pretty jealous of the blogging talent pool here, huh?" Uh, actually, no, GM, because if you consider my brother and Beth are from Atlanta, and Falwless, now that she's recovering from her coma, lives a few hours away from me, I'd say you're the one who should be jealous of me!

Wrassler from Chicago writes in: "Geez Mathdude, you're on quite the roll lately: that was quite the zinger at my place; you slammed Falwless and Beckeye; you had a Poo-Bomber-esque flurry over at Cup of Coffey; you shook mike up so bad he had to comment 3 times on your last posting to try to get you back; you were the only one to catch that Grant Miller was misnaming Pistols' blog on the ballots, and you even brought back the internet's most hated gag, the fake letters - wait, what? Are you taking blogger steroids? Ah, you've got a keen eye, Wrassler. You noticed I've gotten some of my mojo back. With the semester winding down, ol' Professor Mathdude, Doctor of Awesome, only has finals left to give and correct, and final grades to submit, then it's every slacker's dream: nothing to do for day after day, week after week! After next Tuesday, my typical day will look like this: 11:00 AM wake up and blog, 12:30 eat brunch, 1:00 Judge Judy, 2:00 People's Court, 3:00 nap or surf net for porn, 4:00 Judge Judy, 5:00 - 5:30 shower, pick up, make up believable lies of things I've done that can't be verified for when the G-Train gets home. 6:00 eat, 7:00 - ? Watch TV. Aaaaaahhhh. I can't wait.

Finally, MK from Boston writes in: "Dude, I need a football fix! What's going on with your fantasy football team?" Well, MK, my league's playoffs start this week tonight. My team finished 7-7, good for 7th, record-wise, but I'm 2nd in scoring among the playoff teams, and I beat my first round opponent earlier in the year. I like my chances, but I'm 1-6 lifetime in post-season games. If you want to follow, go here.

That's all I got for ya!

Si, Si!

2008-12-10T18:04:00.004+01:00

Before I get going here, I posted some 12 shades of awesome senior yearbook photos over at the West Point Skateboard Gang blog.

OK, you back? You know that song from the old Tennessee Tuxedo cartoons* "See, see, see, Tennessee Tuxedo..."? I've been singing it all morning and can't think why. Oh yeah, that's right! CC Sabathia's going to be wearing pinstripes next year baby!!! Come on, sing with me here: "C, C, C. CC Sabathia". I don't have the rest of the lyrics yet, but I'll work on them.

Did you see where Cold Play is getting sued by Joe Satriani over the song Vida la Vida? I know nothing about Cold Play good or bad, other than liking Vida la Vida. Joe Satriani is 12 shades of awesome though. Check this video out. Pay up Cold Play!

*As a matter of fact, I am as old as dirt.

New Stuff I've Found

2008-12-08T18:11:00.003+01:00

The Good
Every once in awhile it's good to get out and do a little exploring on the interwebs. I say "every once in awhile" because 99% of the blogs out there are utterly and completely unreadable. It is extremely difficult to find new and interesting blogs, and since I've found a couple outside our Circle of Jerks, um, wait, maybe that's not the right term to use, outside of the usual group of regulars around here, I thought I'd pass on a couple of good ones I've found.

First up: Moooooog35's Mental Poo. I've always said that Pistols at Dawn's Save Your Generation is the gold standard of blogs. Well, Moooooog35 is easily #2, pun intended. I have to warn you that if Mental Poo were a movie, it'd be rated NC-17 or R, but it's freaking hilarious. I defy you to go check it out, and come back complaining that it wasn't any good.

Also Very Good: Rassle's Sometimes I Make Lists. Maybe I'm just a sucker for ladies who curse like a sailor. A long time ago, I used to read this blog by this other woman...let's see, who was that? Man, it was so long ago when I read it...there was an eyepatch or something...ah, it doesn't matter. Check out Rassle's blog. I nearly cried laughing while reading her latest posting, even if I don't understand half of it or know who Molinder is. Much of her postings involve drinking stories, and if it were a movie, it would probably be rated R. I give it a big thumbs up, though, so keep those f-bombs a-flyin', missy.

The Bad
On November 23, 2008 someone set up a self-titled blog Whoissecretdubai. SecretDubai, according to wikipedia, was a Middle-Eastern blogger who went underground - whatever. Whoissecretdubai thought is was hil-freaking-larious to go around and spam people (I got spammed in the posting before this one - check the comments), asking who is Secret Dubai. To WISD's credit, within a couple of week's time, there were nearly 150 responses to his/her 1 blog posting "Who is SecretDubai (the blogger)", but WISD pissed off a lot of people in doing so. Well, ol' Mathdude gave WISD a bit of Elmore Leonard-inspired mischievousness, and lo and behold - no more whoissecretdubai! As a prankster/rule-breaker/quasi-law breaker, I'd rather keep my cards close to me on this one. Maybe some day, we'll have a beer together and laugh over it.

The Awesome
You didn't think you were going to get out of here without hearing about the 12 Shades of Awesome NFC West Champion Arizona Cardinals Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - EVER! winning their first division title since 1975, did you! Yeeeeeeaaaaaah Baby!!! How do you like that? Can you feel it, huh? Oops, sorry, I got a little carried away. Yes, the last time they won their division, I was in the 7th grade, and I'm old. I knew rooting for them would pay off some day!

That's all I got for ya!

I Get So Tired of Always Being Right*

2008-12-04T16:03:00.008+01:00

My brother, Tony Alva, will tell you that rock is dead, that all the really good music ceased to be made after Van Halen's Women and Children First, or thereabouts. I, on the other hand, look back nostagicly at those times when you couldn't wait for the next Aerosmith or Black Sabbath or Def Leppard album to come out and readily concede that the 90's were a period of serious decline, but he and I part ways from there. I think we are seeing quite the resurgence in rock music talent. I don't know if I can match today's best with those from back then band-for-band, but we are clearly in (or entering) another golden age. Case in point: The Fratellis second album Here We Stand. This album is a slight departure from their ska-punk first offering, Costello Music, but the Scottish trio has reemerged with a Kinks**/Green Day-esque power chord sound that totally rocks. I give you for this week's Tracks of the Week, the opening track, My Friend John. Just don't ask me what "My friend John is a serious one/Buttons down the back and a job half done/Lazy old boy when the good girls turn/His teeth get itchy and his rubber souls burn/When will he ever learn?" means. They're from Scotland, ok? Since I know most of my readership (not you of course, but the majority of those other clowns that read this poor excuse of a blog) are cool-impaired, I'm also offering Flathead and Chelsea Dagger from their first album as well. Enjoy!

I also recently picked up the finally released inese-Chay emocracy-Day by uns-Gay N oses-Ray. My initial thought on the first couple of plays is "Eh". Up- Bup: before you go saying my brother was right after all, I'll point out that good bands have gone south throughout any era. I'm making available to you the self-titled first track, not because it's amazingly great, but with the hope that it will satisfy your curiosity and convince you to spend your money elsewhere. Not that it's bad, it's ok. It's got that in-your-face-kick-ass sound that has always typified their sound, and a touch of tasty guitar licks to make it worth a listen, but I can't say it's all that. I also can't say I'd rhyme "That's all they got to rule the nation" with "masturbation", but that's just me. What the hell do I know***? And just so my severed head doesn't get sued by Axlway ose-Ray's severed head 400 years from now for uploading inese-Chay emocracy-Day onto the Superweb, we'll just keep this to ourselves, ok?

*I'm lying of course. I never tire of always being right!
**I'm not a huge Kinks fan, just big enough to make a former co-worker named Victoria think I was psycho for humming/singing Victoria in her presence****.
***Everything
****OK, so she already thought I was psycho, the humming/singing merely reaffirmed her beliefs.

Thanksgiving Hangover

2008-12-02T16:46:00.005+01:00

Thanksgiving Hangover
If you're anything like me, you stuffed your face to obscene levels in celebration of the Pilgrims tricking the Indians into thinking they were their friends before they exchanged Small Pox for land. I gained my usual 5 pounds, and I can't wait to gain another 5 at Christmas!

Black Friday
Since I was visiting the in-laws in Western Kentucky, I wasn't sure how Black Friday would pan out. Apparently, they are not as Black Friday-savvy there or our economy sucks because I was the first one in line at Staples. I felt like I was in The Amazing Race - "You are Team #1!" Except I didn't win a trip. All I got was some crap that I had to go back the next day to straighten out and get them to charge me the price they advertised - jerkwads! The G-Train and I managed to get a lot of our Christmas shopping done later, though.

Amazing Race Recap
Speaking of the Amazing Race, he's my final episode handicapping for next week. Nicki and Starr have a 90% chance of winning and Tina and her cheating husband have a 10% chance of winning. The frat boys? None. 0. Zip. These two Clueless Joes must be the luckiest dipshits alive with all the bullets they've dodged. They are truly the Sanjiaya of TAR.

Other Festivities
After dominating much of an Uno game, my luck ran out and my 11-year old nephew edged me out for the win. Then he thought it was hil-freaking-larious to ask me 8 million times "How's it feel to lose to an 11-year old?" Such disrespect! Where has today's youth learned such smart allecky poor manners? Anywho, I printed up a phony email from the Rules and Regulation Committee of the World Uno Federation (WUF) which explained that Rule 42.7 declared that any matches with players under 13 years of age would be declared exhibitions and therefore I would retain my Grand Master status (yes, I do stupid shit like that in real life). It all sounded pretty official, and my nephew mostly bought it. At least it shut him up.

Football-wise the weekend was a disaster. My college picks couldn't have been crappier. My Arizona Cardinals were 12 shades of pathetic, and my fantasy team lost for the third straight week, dropping me to 7-6. Yikes.

That's all I got for ya!

Grabbag Tuesday

2008-11-25T16:06:00.005+01:00

Weekend Festivities
As I mentioned last week, my sister Lisa got married over the weekend. It was a great, great weekend and a great time to be with family. I have nothing but good things to say about the newly married couple. There are a few pics floating around the Facebook-verse, but not on my page yet.

December 1980
While hanging with another one of my sisters, Cindy, we came across this 12 shades of awesome photo of me and her at the West Point cadet December graduation. This was my idea of getting dressed up: corduroy pants and a lumber jack shirt. The hair style is called Don't Cut Your Hair For 2 Years.

Happy Turkey Day
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there except Doctor Zibbs, as he'll in all likelihood be bawling his eyes out after the 12 Shades of Awesome 1st Place Arizona Cardinals, Possibly the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - EVER! beat the Philadelphia Eagles Thursday night. What do you Canadians out there do on our Thanksgiving, besides watch our football and competition eating with envy? I hear you have your own Thanksgiving earlier in the year. Is that because your Pilgrims were frozen to death by the fourth Thursday in November back in the day? Whatever. Have a good day at work, eh? We'll be not thinking of you.

That's all I got for ya!

Psst, Hey You, C'Mere

2008-11-20T21:15:00.005+01:00

Yeah, you. C'mere. All right, here's the deal. It's been cool you hanging around here and all, but. Uh-oh, someone's coming, act normal. *pretending to give directions* OK, so you want to go another mile on this road, then you turn left at the strip club...

OK, that was close. Where was I? Oh, yeah, "but". How can I put this delicately? Um, you need a "Coolness" make-over, ok? Yeah, you're like someone on What Not to Wear who wears sweats that she cuts randomly with scissors and proudly proclaims, "Oh, everyone says I'm soooo stylish!" What? How would I know about What Not To Wear? Um....well, that's what I heard people do on What Not To Wear, OK? Look, never mind about Stacey and Clinton and the $5000 and Nick Arrojo and Carmandy, ok?

Let's get back to your Coolness Make-Over. For instance, you've told me you don't know where the phrase "Eating Chicken Vindaloo" comes from. Shh, not so loud! People are going to think I hang out with dorks. OK, it comes from this song by the Ramones, and ...wha? What do mean, "Who are the Ramones?" *hits head on wall 6-7 times. Hard. Takes a deep breath.*

OK, it doesn't matter for now. Just download this song I Just Want To Have Something To Do. And while you're at it, you better download David Garza's Dylan-esque The Perfect Tear and a new song by the New York Dolls that just came out Runnin' Around. Now, git! What? No, it doesn't cost anything! Huh? No, I don't know how that's legal. Just do it before people see, OK?

Grabbag Thursday

2008-11-20T16:13:00.005+01:00

ECV Staff Sent Home For Holidays
Things are going to be slow here for the next couple of weeks. This weekend, my sister Lisa is getting married, pulling her into a tie for second, with 1, with my three other siblings for most times married. I'm, of course, "winning" with 2. Yay me! Seriously though, it should be fun. If you hear anything about riots in Atlanta, it'll just be us. Then, next week, the G-Train and I are heading over to western Kentucky for Thanksgiving at her folks house, the highlight of which will be watching the 12 Shades of Awesome First Place Arizona Cardinals, Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! beat down the measly Eagles after knocking off the Giants this weekend.

More Football News
I finished second in the family football pool for the fourth time this year last week. My fantasy team also took a loss, and UNC lost - not a particularly good week even if the Cards, Giants, and Jets all won.

Mad Props
The Imaginary Reviewer has it going on at his place with a restaurant review of Axl Rose's new pizza chain. It's worth checking out!

T-Shirts On Sale Now
With the demand for my new t-shirts shooting through the roof, my staff is working on some more. We're also making up some coffee mugs with a drunken Pester Boy picture. Stay tuned.

That's all I got for ya!

Hottest Christmas Present On Sale Now!

2008-11-18T16:53:00.008+01:00

Can't think of what to get your loved ones for Christmas? I got all the answers right here - the brand new Eating Chicken Vindaloo T-Shirts! Just click here to order yours now.

Lots Better Than Lots Better Then Your Blog

2008-11-17T04:09:00.007+01:00

Since Falwless steals most of my gags and shtick and LBTYB is a poor imitation of Eating Chicken Vindaloo, I thought I'd turn the tables - only I'm doing it better! And you know what that means? Oh-yeah! Kitten pictures! Here's a couple that are 5 years old of Pester-Boy.

He had a drinking problem until he grew out of his awkward teen years.

And now, a comic strip that's actually funny. Reprinted without permission from Classic Rock magazine.

Falwless has been so outdone, she probably won't show her face around here for a while. Win-win baby! Awesome posting/less Falwless!

Mathdude's Excellent* Adventure

2008-11-13T16:51:00.006+01:00

So I'm driving in to work yesterday and I get to the part of my commute where I take the right fork onto the I-240 bypass going into Asheville. This semi veers right in front of me discombobulating me long enough to where I'm beginning to head on to the left fork instead of the right. I make an instantaneous decision, ok, wait, let's make that "an instantaneous wrong decision" to yank the wheel right and try to make the turn on the shoulders of the road. I bebop around on grass for a few yards before striking a hole popping my right front tire. Great.

I pull onto the shoulder and begin the tire changing process, loosening lug nuts, jacking the pick-up, and lowering the spare from my undercarriage under my bed, all the while vehicles are screaming by me within a couple feet at the speed of sound. When I grabbed the spare which I haven't used in about 5 years, I could tell immediately it was flat.

I grab what I need to teach my classes, cross the bypass, stick my thumb out, and within 30 seconds get a ride to work. I tell everyone I know about my predicament hinting at the need for a ride back, but all I can get is a cigarette lighter air compressor to pump up the spare.

So that means hoofing it back the 5 miles or so, most of which wasn't bad at all. It was a beautiful day and I can handle a little walking. It was fine until I reached I-240. Let's just say it's not designed for people to walk it. In the wrong direction. Anywho, I reach my truck after an hour and 15 minutes or so of walking. I had picked up some Fix-a-Flat along the way, and the spare inflated without incident. I re-jack the truck, take off the lug nuts, and the goddamn wheel wouldn't come off. I kick it and whack it with the tire iron for about half an hour to no avail until a DOT truck pulled over and the driver pulled out a sledge to loosen the wheel. 5 minutes later I was on my way home. At least it didn't happen today when it's pouring rain!

Heavy Metal for Dummies
I'm picking up that many** of my readers haven't experienced the awesomeness of Heavy Metal and thus have been deprived of the joy of being cool. So this week's Tracks of the Week are 3 songs by Judas Priest. Think of it a Heavy Metal for Dummies. How can you go wrong? The first is The Rage, described by many brilliant music critics*** as the best song to listen to when you want to fight someone. You should probably take this to Thanksgiving Dinner with your family. The next is my favorite JP song, Fever. And lastly, You Got Another Thing Coming is one you're probably already familiar with.

*Not so excellent
**1 or 2 of my handful of pathetic fans****
***Jackson and me
****people whose lives must be so incredibly empty, they read ECV

The 12 Shades of Awesome 1st Place Arizona Cardinals, Probably The Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever!

2008-11-11T17:23:00.005+01:00

What a great* football weekend this past 3 days have been! I lightened by $20 the amount of money by brother's carrying around when UNC beat the crap out of Georgia Tech. $20. I want my $20! Then, I nearly won the** family football pool missing out by 1 game. I need to win soon, or it'll be the first year I'm paying in. $20! I want my $20!

The 12 Shades of Awesome 1st Place Arizona Cardinals, Probably The Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever!
Whew, that's getting to be a mouthful*** every time I say/type that. Who would have known I'd be spending the whole season saying it? I figured**** by Week 4 they would have dropped back to 2nd place. 1988 was the last time they were 3 games over .500. 1975 was the last time they won the division. Of course, they almost blew it last night. Singletary has done a great job in the 3 weeks as the Niners' coach changing the***** attitude of the team, but he totally screwed up the last 45 seconds of last night's game. Their loss is our gain, though, literally and figuratively. $20!

Fantasy Football News
My team is now 7-3 after scoring the week high for the first time in 3 years. I share the best record in the league with one other team with 4 weeks to go. mike over at brown sox and yellow cottons, or something like that (I think it's****** some kind of reference to pissing and crapping in your pants, a common Red Sox fan affliction) told me he won a nail biter after using some 12 Shades of******* Awesome 1st Place Arizona Cardinals, Probably The Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! players. Cool! $20! I want my $20!

* $20! I want my $20!
** $20! I want my $20!
*** $20! I want my $20!
**** $20! I want my $20!
***** $20! I want my $20!
****** $20! I want my $20!
******* $20! I want my $20!

Save Your Money

2008-11-10T18:36:00.005+01:00

First up, AC/DC's new album Black Ice. As a huge AC/DC fan, I was very excited about their first release in many years. I'm not saying the album is bad, per se, just disappointing. If they were tired in 2000 and couldn't keep the same old grind going, they come across just as tired now, 8 years later. I still like it; it reminds me of Flick of the Switch, which I also enjoyed a lot. But, it sounds a lot like the same ol' rehashed same ol'. While the songs are good, there's no energy, like the energy that abounded in Back In Black. Overall, I'm disappointed, and while I'll listen to it, I can't recommend it for casual AC/DC fans.

Next up: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club's new album, The Power of 333. If you've read my thoughts on BRMC in previous postings, you'd know I'm just about their biggest fan. They are totally fucking badass even if they are stiffs when they perform live. They are hyper-hyper-hyperindependent and have tolerated dealing with record companies to release their music until now. Now they write their songs; they produce their songs, and now they distribute their songs over the internet, and at a reasonable price! Totally fucking brilliant! This is the wave of the future people. Bands will sell their stuff online through a distribution service they control. The only problem? The Power of 333 totally sucks! To start off with, it's 100% "instrumental", no lyrics. The lack of lyrics doesn't bother me too much (Joe Satriani's Flying In A Blue Dream was 50% instrumental and it was brilliant). "Instrumental" may not be the right term for The Power of 333. It's noise with a few keyboard notes played in the background. It reminds me of Pink Floyd's Ummagumma, another dreck-laden album. Up-Bup: don't argue. Many have tried to convince me of Ummagumma's value, but all have failed. 2 of the 10 tracks on The Power of 333 have an actual guitar playing actual musical notes, but even those tracks aren't particularly good. I seriously considered demanding my $6 back on principle, but I don't want to go on some blacklist ala NO SOUP FOR YOU! This one's a no-brainer: save your money!

Another Shameful YouTube Video

2008-11-07T19:17:00.002+01:00

Fellow Skateboard Gang member Max Q. Peck posted another 25 year old video of us on YouTube. Read all about at the West Point Skateboard Gang blog and check out the video if you want.

Oh, you know you want to, Nosy McBusybody!

Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree

2008-11-05T15:28:00.002+01:00

I'm thinkin' the elephant symbol as the Republican Party logo should be changed to a big black horse and a cherry tree.

I said, "No, no. No, no, no, no."

I said, "No, no, you're not the one for me..."

Election Day Predictions

2008-11-03T19:05:00.005+01:00

Here's some predictions: someone will lose, someone will get elected. OK, OK, how about "Someone new will be elected president"? OK, OK, for real now: with nearly 2-1 support among voters, O'Bama will squeak by tommorrow night. Why so close? Because Democratic voters are lazy. They're complacent. I think many would rather have something to cry about than to do something about it. From what I'm seeing on the commercials, siding with Bush at any time ever in the past is akin to eating babies.

Here's what your typical lefty swinging Dem is up to on election day, though: What, you mean I have to go stand in line to vote...I will...I swear...Right after this hackey-sack game...Gee, it's getting late...Smoke a joint?...You know, I think we got it covered...What the? McCain won?

The G-Train and I voted on Saturday. I voted mostly Democratic, but went for a couple Republicans, including the NC governor race.

Football

I continued my streak of college football pool mediocrity this weekend. I'm beginning to get a little worried that I might actually have to pay up this year. Loved the end of the Texas Tech-Texas game. USC is only up to #7, though, and need some help to get to the championship game. The Dallas Cowboys were so incredibly inept this week, they looked like the Cardinals do most years. My 12 Shades of Awesome, First Place Arizona Cardinals, Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! handily defeated the Lambs, giving them a huge lead in the NFC West. In fact, the Giants going 7-1, the Jets going 5-3, and the Cards going 5-3 and each being in first in their division makes this by far the best half year rooting for these teams. I got another win in my fantasy football league. I'm now tied for the best record in the league.

More Goofy Pictures

I posted a few more awesome photos on my Facebook thingie like this one at left. This one's from we lived in Virginia, 1975, I think. That's TA on the left and my mom on the right. Boy, he's pissed, isn't he? It's like he knows he's going to regret this picture being taken, huh?

Dude, we totally rock!

That's all I got for ya!

One Word Meme

2008-10-30T16:19:00.006+01:00

I got tagged by Beth - starting to feel like I got a target on my back here - for the one word meme. At least it gives me a break from the Grabbag Postings.

Clothes - I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy. I'd wear them all day, every day if I could. I also have notoriously bad taste in clothes (isn't my shirt at right 12 shades of awesome? No?). If left to my own devices, I'd probably be nominated for What Not To Wear. The G-Train doesn't allow me to be seen in public with some of my clothing choices, though. Also, I'm a khakis-dress-shirt-and-tie guy for work, so I don't look like a total slob there.

Furniture - WTF? I guess I'm a Farbman kinda guy. Oh, yeah, the Geico caveman commercials are hilarious!

Sweet - Anything chocolate sounds good to me. I especially like Baskin and Robbins peanut butter and chocolate ice cream and chocolate cream pie.

City - Well, there is only one real city in the world - New York City. All the others are poor imitations. Up-Bup: don't say anything bad about NYC - those things are absolutely true, but so? What's your point. It's still #1.

Drink - I drink Diet Pepsi by the gallon. I switched from regular soda to diet about 15 years ago when I figured out I couldn't work off the excess calories from my soda intake. From time to time people try to tell me to stop drinking so much, and I have a good time mocking them.

Music - Please, don't even get me started.

Film - You could check my profile. If I had to narrow it down to one movie, it'd have to be The Matrix.

Workout - I used to run a lot, but my left knee has given me problems for almost 2 years now. I consider myself trying to rehab the knee to try to get back to running. My best 5K time was 26:09 about 5 years ago before my laminectomy. That's not breaking any records but pretty damn good for an old, slow, 6 ft 4, 215 pound dude.

Patries - Mmmmm, Dunkin Donuts. Krispy Cremes suck.

Coffee - Don't drink it. I have Diet Pepsi for breakfast, occasionally milk.

Unrelated
I smashed my left middle finger yesterday in another Tom & Jerry-like episode with a hammer. I'm going to lose the nail with this one.

Congrats Dr. Zibbs on your Phillies winning it all. At least you'll experience some joy for a while until your Thanksgiving gets ruined when the 12 Shades of Awesome, 1st Place Arizona Cardinals, Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! kicks the crap out of your Eagles.

That's all I got for ya!

More Shocking Political Scandals

2008-10-27T17:05:00.008+01:00

Football Recap
UNC made my weekend by beating Boston College handily. I started 9-2 on the family football pool, stumbled in the 3:00 games and finished hot. I lost and I suck. The First Place Arizona Cardinals, Possibly the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! lost a tough one on the road after choking away a 14 point lead. They're getting better on the road, though. Good thing the division is so amazingly bad. I need Vinatieri to score 4 or fewer points tonight for my fantasy team to win.

6 Degrees of Musical Separation
Inspired* by Beth Coffey's challenge to come up with 6 songs musically linked, I posted my "Skateboarder" 6 Degrees of Musical Separation over at the West Point Skateboard Gang Blog. If you are planning on participating in Beth's GMMP (what she's calling it), you may not want to see my choices as you'll feel immediate shame towards your own choices. I may or may not do another here at ECV.

More Silly Photos
I posted a few more photos of me on Facebook like this one above. L-R: My sister Lisa, some fucking idiot with a moustache, the girlfriend whose name I have tattood under my ex-wife's name on my left bicep.

Unfounded Rumors

Um, Falwless, what have you been telling Grant Miller?

Why Pistols owns the internet.

Gotcha to look at the posting with the title, huh? I'm sure there some polical scandals out there somewhere. Why don't you Google it?

*Inspired to steal, that is!

Another Crappy Grabbag Posting (but not a guest posting by Ed Anger or Jackson)

2008-10-22T20:17:00.011+02:00

Fake Gas Crisis Over
The Fake Gas Crisis in Western North Carolina has been over for about a week now. Shockingly, gas prices have plummeted to $2.77 from over $4 two weeks ago. Gosh, you don't think the oil industry made money on this do you? If we ever elect an educator as president and the education system completely falls apart on his/her watch, it'd be an embarrassment to educators everywhere. Yet our president with a background in oil has let the energy industry rape us for the entirety of his presidency. Ever since gas prices skyrocketed overnight during the Katrina crisis, people have been trimming their family budgets to make ends meet. Seriously, what did you do when you found yourself paying $20, $40, $50 a month more on gas? You cut back on clothes, shoes, movies, eating out, etc... A couple years of this going on and what do we have? A train wreck for an economy. I saw W the other night on the news taking about how now everyone is so confident about the stock market since we're putting $700 million in bailout into it. Who the hell is "everyone"? Jerkwad! How many more days of putting up with him do we have left? Here's a "crazy" thought, and by "crazy", I mean completely rational and sane. How about passing a law that beginning with the next model year, every passenger vehicle sold must get 30 mpg. Oh, but Mathdude, people buying Hummers wouldn't be able to go 0 to 60 in 10 seconds, and that would be a... er, uh, an outrage! After all it's the constitutional right of superficial citizens to waste gas at a rate extraordinary enough to cause problems for the rest of us! Another "wacky" idea: Kingston Steve says to make it a law that every car brought in for repairs has to have its tire pressures checked and adjusted to specs for a 25 cent charge.

The Bizarre World of Women's Marathons
Don't know if you heard about this one. At the San Francisco marathon this past weekend, 24-year-old Arien O'Connell finished in 2 hours, 55 minutes. However, she did not "win" the race. No, she did not. She "lost" to a woman who ran it in 3 hours and 6 minutes, a time 11 minutes slower than O'Connell's. I'm not making this up. O'Connell didn't register as an "elite" runner, so not only did she start 20 minutes behind the "winner" (which means she really ran the course 31 minutes faster), it apparently, by Nike's standards, eliminates you from the competition. Nike has gotten so much egg on its face for this one, they've decided to declare O'Connell "a" winner and award her a duplicate set of prizes they awarded "the" winner. I guess the world of Women's Marathons are just too complicated for me to understand. And I thought the infield fly rule was hard to understand!

Tracks of the Week
It's been a while since I added something new for you to listen to. All I've got to say about this one is no music collection is complete without Rob Zombie's Dragula and Living Dead Girl.

Grabbag Monday

2008-10-20T15:28:00.003+02:00

The Amazing Race
TAR is kinda boring me (in addition to making my predictions look foolish). The separated couple keeps winning and winning. Where's the fun in that. I want bickering. I want self-destruction. I want finger pointing. The "Southern Belles" were eliminated last night, and I felt a little sorry for them, but they were completely clueless and deserved to go. I hope things get interesting soon.

Hot Stock Tip
Giving business advice isn't usually my strong suit, but I got a hot tip for you. Using the general principle of "buy low and sell high", you've got to act on this one immediately. You writing this down? I'll wait until you get a pencil...

Got one? OK, here it is: Kleenex. That's right Kleenex. With the Phillies headed towards disaster in the World Series, there going to be a lot of crying in Philadelphia. Hell, the Zibbs household alone will ensure a profit. Then, don't sell right after the World Series, hold onto it for a little longer. There will be another upswing in price when the 12 Shades of Awesome First Place Arizona Cardinals, Probably the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! play the Eagles on Thanksgiving Day. Of course, Boston Red Sox fans have already driven the price up a little already, so act now!

Movie Weekend
The G-Train and I watched 4 movies this weekend. Someone around here recommended Iron Man, and it was pretty good. 2 Thumbs Up. The G-Train grabbed Flawless for us to watch which turned out to not be about a one-eyed smoking blogger who once had a pretty decent blog until she abandoned it to fool around on Facebook when she ran out of things to write about. I didn't think it was because it was spelled properly. This movie, a Demi Moore jewel theft how'd-they-do-it, was ok though.

Baseball Recap
I don't know if you caught Manny Ramirez's batting helmet during the playoffs or not. WTF? Does he have a part-time job as a crash test dummy? Are the Dodgers too cheap to go out and buy a new helmet for him, and they just gave him the one no one was using?

Last night's winning pitcher, Tampa Bay's Matt Garza, is not related to David Garza.

The Red Sox don't have anyone to pinch hit for them? They finish with a guy batting under .100 in the ALCS and a guy batting .240. Pretty sad.

Picking up a fantasy football win and seeing Dallas suck in ways I wouldn't have imagined made my weekend sports-wise. My college football pool picks were sucky though.

That's all I got for ya!

Hot Sex! Angelina Jolie Nude Photos! XXX!

2008-10-15T21:49:00.008+02:00

On some people's blogs (Katrocket's for example) they have a link to my site with my most recent posting's title. Can you say genius?!!!

I forgot to mention that over the weekend, one of my sister-in-laws, a high-school and college English/German teacher challenged me to a game of Scrabble. She had never lost a game before. Ever. So I beat her 280 something to 220 something. Not bad, considering I HADN'T PLAYED IN 10 YEARS! I dominated her 308-218 or something like that in the rematch. Falwless, you better backtrack on your Scrabble challenges! If being good at something that is totally useless in life and the opposite sex is completely unimpressed by your being good at it, I will undoubtedly excel at it. I defended my top Ping-Pong ranking over the weekend as well.

I posted at the West Point Skateboarder blog a story about cheating on a Chemistry test in high school. Nothing you'd be interested in.

I posted a couple pics on my Facebook thingie too. Nothing you'd be interested in either.

Best AC/DC Album Ever

2008-10-14T17:47:00.001+02:00

You gotta go to the West Point Skateboard Gang blog where I posted it. Hint: it may not be Back in Black.

What A Weekend!

2008-10-13T04:27:00.003+02:00

Family Time
13 members of the G-Train's side of the family were in town over the weekend, 4 generations worth - wow. It was a lot of fun, and the kids who are not well known for being well behaved were quite well behaved.

Facebook
I signed up for Facebook, but don't get too excited. I'm not getting sucked into spending tons of extra time on it. If I had known how much extra e-mail I'd receive, I don't know that I would have signed up for it. We'll see.

Football
UNC managed to come from behind to beat those jerkmo's from Notre Lame. That and USC's easy win softened the blow of a mediocre performance in the family college football pool. I also climbed back to respectability in my fantasy football league with a win over the weekend. Let's see, that's about it*.

*Ha! Are you kidding me? You thought that was it? How 'bout them Arizona Cardinals? Look up 12 shades of awesome in the dictionary and you'll see their picture! God, rooting for them entails such suffering though! You have no idea! All game - suffering! Dallas scores 10 in the last 2 minutes to tie with the help of the idiot who couldn't get off the field - suffering! We lose the coin toss - suffering! Then - incredible incredible incredible exquisite pleasure! Hahahahahaha - Dallas sucks! Incredible euphoria! You have no idea! Coming into Week 6, the last time the Cards were in 1st place in their division from Week 6 on was....1988! 20 freakin' years ago! Go on - try and mock my team now! Haters!

12 More Shades of Awesome

2008-10-09T15:05:00.003+02:00

As I was moving boxes around in the basement, putting them on my "industrial shelving" I made that is nothing short of 12 shades of awesome, this picture fell out of a box with a bunch of others. It's my military ID photo from 24 years ago. What a rapscallion I was! I'd grow my hair that long again, but I've found that when you get old, your hair just can't do what it's supposed to anymore. This was about the end of my facial hair days, as well. My facial hair now is about 75% gray which is weird because so little of the hair on my head is gray. Haha TA.

Cowboys vs. Cardinals
Things are starting to fall apart for Dallas as Pac-Man Jones destroyed a hotel room fighting with a bodyguard! Ha! C'mon Cowboys, come and get your whuppin'.

Lehman Brothers CEO Grilled Before Congress
Don't know if you caught this, but it's hilarious if you add your own asterisks. Here's some excerpts.

...said Fuld. "I take full* responsibility for the decisions I made and for the actions I took."

"Is that fair, for a CEO of a company that's now bankrupt, to make that kind of money? It's just unimaginable to so many people." Waxman asked. "I would say to you the $500m number is not accurate," said Fuld. "I'd say to you, although it's still a large number, for the years you're talking about here, my cash compensation was close to $60m, which you've indicated here, and I took out closer to $250m [in shares]**."

Interrupting again, Waxman listed Fuld's collection of property – including a $14m ocean-front villa in Florida and a home in the exclusive*** ski resort of Sun Valley, Idaho. "You and your wife have an art collection filled with million dollar paintings," said Waxman. "Your former president, Joe Gregory used to travel to work in a helicopter."...Refusing to give ground, Fuld said his pay had been set by an independent compensation committee**** which spent "a tremendous amount of time*****" making sure executives' interests were aligned****** with those of shareholders.

Yuck-yuck-yuck.

Best. Halloween. Photo. Ever.

That's all I got for ya!

*no
**I mean, come on, everybody makes $310 million dollars in 6 years!
***12 shades of awesome
****my wife's idiot brother and his frat boys
*****around the water cooler
******misaligned

Grabbag Monday - 12 Shades of Awesome

2008-10-06T18:05:00.005+02:00

12 Shades of Awesome
Hey, guess what my new catch phrase is? That's right, "12 shades of awesome"! I made some calculations over the weekend, and 12 is exactly the right number of shades to indicate awesomeness*. I'm going to use it as much as possible in my blog so that 20 years from now when people are curious about who started this craze, they can Google it (or whatever they'll be using then) and come back to Eating Chicken Vindaloo, 10-6-08 6:05 PM Central European Time. That'd be 12 shades of awesome!

No Bizarro Mathdude
I don't** usually take ideas from others, but Dr. Zibbs of That Blue Yak pointed out you can click the pieces of information on your profile and be shown everyone else that also listed that piece of information. So I was curious about who has the same information in their profile that I had. I found there are 3 types of bloggers who have common interests with me. First there are "Freaks". Then there are "What a Freak!". And then there's "FREAK! FREAK! Ahhhhh - FREAK!" My initial reaction was "maybe I'm a total freak myself", but no, there's just an ungodly number of unreadable bloggers out there. I learned that merely mentioning the bible in your profile is code for "I only blog about Jesus on this website." I checked out another guy who was in AA, thinking maybe he had something interesting to say about his trainwreck of a life. Nope. A blog about nothing but 12 steps is not that interesting. Up-bup: before you say these sound just as crappy as my blog, I'll point out that I did not see a single comment to these postings. How does someone have a 2 year old blog with 300 postings and not a single comment? Wow, that's bad.

Staff Cuts at ECV
Today I start teaching a class at another CC, and I start teaching a second one for them in November which will bring my courseload to 18 credits. Something's gotta give, and I hate to say it, but it'll be Eating Chicken Vindaloo. Since my illness and family reunion in July, I've been trying to post 3 times a week, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut back to twice weekly starting today. Now, now, put down that knife. Don't slit your wrists just yet. I also will have to cut back on checking out others on a regular basis. OK, now you can slit your wrists. This isn't the end - just a new beginning. So don't come here 37 gazillion times a week looking for a new posting, and don't take offense at my lack of comments at your site. At least you know why I won't be around so much *cough* Falwless, Guv'ner *cough*.

Football
I saved the best for last. The 12 shades of awesome First Place Arizona Cardinals, Possibly The Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! won yesterday, kicking the previously undefeated Bills' ass all over the field. Next up: Dallas! I can't wait. Hey, Zibbs, how'd your Eagles do?

My 2 fave college teams, So. Cal. and UNC, also won, and looky who's at #22 - UNC! Hmmm, that sounds awfully familiar... Let's see, who said they'd be ranked by the end of the year... I think it was somebody...Oh yeah, IT WAS ME and everybody*** mocked me! What do you have to say now? I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything. I thought so. I almost won the family college football pool. I missed it by 1 game - doh! That would have been 12 shades of awesome.

That's all I got for ya!

*I forgot to carry the 5 the first time and got -17.238, which we all know is not an awesome number of shades to be.
**do
***mike

About Last Night...

2008-10-03T18:05:00.003+02:00

I hate giving my opinion on these things because it makes it look like I care, but here's my take on the VP debate: Biden kicked her ass.

He looked like someone who's been there before, she didn't. Yeah, sure, she's cute and feisty, but Joe Biden looked "presidential" in my eyes for the first time. Of course I hated the "My running mate walks on water- yours eats babies and worships the devil" nonsense each couldn't resist resorting to.

The problem I see with the Republicans is the Wall Street Bailout. If this is a last second/last gasp-gotta-look-out-for-my-billionaire-backers ploy on Bush's part (which I think it is), whoever between O'bama/Biden and McCain votes for it is screwed. S.C.R.E.W.E.D. The American public will percieve them as looking out for the rich and vote the other way. I say that with a little bit of investments saved up and the possibility of my nest egg being greatly reduced.

When I got bored with the debate, I flipped over to the Cubs-Dodgers game. This just in: the Cubs totally fucking suck!!! The Dodgers kept hitting the ball to the Cubs' infielders' weak spot - their gloves! I'm actually rooting for the Cubs because of the common bond I have with them as an Arizona Cardinal fan (no World Series or Super Bowl appearances in my lifetime), but it must be mighty painful to watch my team achieve the best record in the NL, only to look like of bunch of little leaguers in the playoffs. My Cardinals haven't done that to me. Yet.

That's all I got for ya!

Grabbag Wednesday

2008-10-01T15:28:00.004+02:00

G-Train: This Business is Killing Me
An "Industrial Disease" is spreading throughout the hospital the G-Train works at and she's got it. She'd kill me if I told everyone what it was - no, it's not an STD you asshole - so I'll just leave it at "Industrial Disease" (like the awesome Dire Straits song). Then, she came home from her other job last night with a broken foot! Who knew counting pills was so dangerous? On top of that, she's married to me! I think I heard her humming "Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me" in the ER.

Cardinals Still On Pace To Win Super Bowl
Following last year's Giants' footsteps, the Cards dropped to 2-2 over the weekend. You haters are way too excited about this. I'm not saving any spaces on the Cardinal bandwagon. At least UNC came up with a big win over Miami.

Homeowner Project Update
I fought with another power tool over the weekend. I wanted my electric drill to screw a screw in for me and instead it went for my thumb holding the screw. There was some blood, some bruising, and in the end, I kicked the drills ass! Don't know if I'm losing the thumbnail yet. One wall of the basement is insulated and finished. Looking to do another in the next week or so.

Updates
This week's Heroes was pretty good. I'm reserving judgement on The Mentalist which is basically an edgier Psych. So far it looks pretty good. I fared better this week but lost again in the family college football pool, and my fantasy team lost - Doh!

That's all I got for ya!

A Crappy Review of the New TV Season

2008-09-30T01:46:00.003+02:00

CSI Miami
Surprise, Horatio's not dead. Whoooweeee, who could have seen that coming? Does anyone care? Fuck this show sucks. Have you noticed how gay everyone (especially the guys) is about Horatio? Who watches this crap? Probably the same mindless idiots who buy Britney Spears CDs. Grade: F-

Ugly Betty/Gray's Anatomy
Don't watch either. Both are chick shows. No grade.

Heroes
This show has kept me on the edge of my seat for 2 seasons. I hate to say it, but we may have seen the best of it. The 2 hour season opener kinda reminded me of the second Matrix movie - yeah, it's still kinda cool, but it's lost that certain something that put it above all the other shows. I hope it improves. Grade: C.

David Blaine Special
There are 2 David Blaines. There's the street magician who is so fucking brilliant, he defies description. He has no peers. He's like the Pistols of magicians. He is willing to hit the streets, whether it be Appalachia or Compton, and just blow people's minds. Then there is the other David Blaine who does these dopey, cheesy stunts. He's like the (insert my current whipping blogger's name here) of magicians. Both showed up for last week's special. Yo, drop the stupid stunts, Blaine, you're better than that. Grade: B

Survivor
Same ol', same ol', but still entertaining - keeps me from having to watch Ugly Betty or Gray's Anatomy with the G-Train. I just don't understand why they bother to put old people that have nothing to offer their tribe/team on this show. Gillian was an obvious early flame out. Grade: B+

Prison Break
The ultimate macho show. When I taught at the private school in NY, all the guys watched Prison Break and none of the girls did. This show is in the middle of its season and didn't have a season premiere last week. If you've never seen it, don't bother watching. You'll never pick it up. The plot line is like a Rube Goldberg machine. Each week, the show's characters simultaneously get closer and farther from reaching their goals. With each success comes another failure - fucking brilliant. Now in its 5th season it's still the ultimate macho show. Grade: A.

The Amazing Race
This is like, what, the 15th season? And yet with each new group, the show stays fresh. There's people to root for and against, and there's always a couple that you know are going to self-destruct. This season, I think it's the couple that finished 2nd, the separated couple where the guy cheated on his wife and he's trying to make it up to her. What is this guy thinking? Let's say they win the million dollars. She's going to turn to him and say, "Yeah, but you cheated on me!" Dude, get out. You've given her a pass to rag on you with no expiration date. Move on, for both your sakes. But I'll watch it all fall apart in Guam or Mongolia or wherever, for sure. Grade: A+

The Geico Caveman Commercials
I know they're not a TV show, but these commercials are just fucking brilliant. "Jazz hands - Anything with Jazz Hands!" Sheer genius.

Fake Gas Crisis Continues in Western NC

2008-09-25T17:20:00.004+02:00

It may be a fake crisis, but the closed gas stations and the 3 hour waits for gas are most definitely real. At least the prices haven't been jacked above the $4.20 range lately due to each TV news story ending with the Attorney General's address to report price gouging. I gassed up over the weekend, so the G-Train and I are good for a week or 10 days. Even the college I work at has shut down for today, tomorrow, and maybe next week. I'm devastated, having to sit home and not go to work. Actually, I'm in the midst of a new home owner project - insulating (and beginning to finish) our basement. I've got enough stuff to keep me mildly busy for a few days. So, I'll talk to you guys later, Judge Judy is about to come on.

Guest Post - The Imaginary Reviewer

2008-09-23T01:42:00.003+02:00

The Postwriter 2800 by Blogger is the latest software and accessory package Blogger has been giving away to its most promising writers for the past several years. I received mine about a month after starting The Imaginary Review, and I can’t begin to tell you how much it has changed the writing process for me.

As the name implies, the Postwriter helps me write my blog in every way you can imagine. The first step is to adjust the blog settings. Once I select “Humour”, another menu pops up giving me more specific choices to make. After making 5 or 6 additional selections, I hit the “Find Topic” button, and the Postwriter scours the internet with a special search engine designed by Google. That sounds pretty run of the mill, but included with each topic are related jpg-files, YouTube videos, and links.

Once I select a topic, the Postwriter puts together a first draft for me, a process that takes about 30 seconds. Next comes the editing which is aided by my favourite accessory: the headset. When I put it on, it scans my brain and writes everything that I think.

I have to admit I have yet to use the Translator Accessory Unit that automatically posts my blog in Mandarin, Arabic, French, Russian, Swahili, and numerous other languages. Nor have I used the Interest Generator which searches out popular blogs and posts comments for me with links and references back to my blog.

It appears Mathdude has an older version, the Postwriter 2700, here at Eating Chicken Vindaloo, perhaps because he has been in the business longer than I have, but the differences are negligible. From what I can tell, the biggest difference is the number of additional features that were added to the Automatic Comment Writer on the 2800. For instance, the 2800 can be set to immediately answer each comment as it comes in. I, however, set mine to answer comments periodically to make it appear more like it’s actually me responding. The rest is pretty much the same except mine has a stainless steel cover and his is coloured blue. In the three and a half minutes it’s taken me to write this post, though, I’ve almost forgotten that I’ve been using a 2700 instead of a 2800.

If you haven’t been given a Postwriter 2800 by Blogger yet, I highly recommend you get to work on your blog so that you too will be chosen to use this wonderful device. Don’t bother asking me or Mathdude or anyone else who has one to borrow ours. We signed a copyright infringement/privacy agreement that prevents us from loaning ours out to unauthorized users. That may be the reason why Falwless didn’t see it here when she guest posted a while back and why she vandalized the place so much.

Take care Mathdude. I hope your doctour appointment went well.

Grabbag Monday

2008-09-22T15:38:00.002+02:00

Football

Oh what a dreadful weekend this was. My beloved Tar Heels lost. I lost the weekly family football pool - to my brother. Yeah, I'm sure he won't rub it in! The First Place Arizona Cardinals, Perhaps the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! lost also. My fantasy team lost as well. At least the Giants won and the Jets are going to win tonight.

Guest Posting

I got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I contacted the secretary pool and they're sending someone over. Actually, I used my considerable clout to get another A-level blogger to guest post. Tune in tomorrow to see who the mystery writer is.

New Season - Thank God!

The new TV season starts tonight. The greatest show to ever grace network television, Heroes, premieres tonight. I'm pumped!

That's all I got for ya!

I Fought The Law And The Law Lost

2008-09-17T21:53:00.005+02:00

As my junior year of high school ended at the end of June in 1980, my parents planned a trip to go down south (we lived at West Point, New York), leaving me by myself for a couple weeks. Wait, let me back up.

Brother Tony Alva, then 16, “went to Virginia” for the summer with two of his friends, one 16 and the other 18 or 19. When I say “went to Virginia”, I mean the entire plan, down to the last minute detail, was “going to Virginia”. I wasn’t around when he convinced my parents that this was a wise, real-world experience that he should undertake, but I always imagined it went something like this.

Dad: So, what are you doing this summer?
TA: Me and a couple friends were thinking of driving to Virginia.
Mom: Well, they do say it’s for lovers. You’ll be safe.
Dad: We’ll *cough-cough* miss you.

Like I said, I wasn’t there, but I know questions like “What town?”, “What’s the number you can be reached at?”, and “How will you pay for things like food, clothing, shelter, and gas?” couldn’t have been asked. My brother had a part-time job that year cleaning dishes at the Thayer Hotel. And by part-time job, I mean “a means to raise money to smoke more pot”. And smoke pot he did. Impressive amounts. Legendary amounts. I don’t want to incriminate anyone here too badly because my dad put me on notice at the family reunion that he stops by Eating Chicken Vindaloo now and again, but let’s just say it was a lot.

Anywho, my parents signed off on sending his thug-pot-smoking-trouble-making-curfew-breaking ass down to Virginia, and they packed up my sisters and headed south. On the night of July 4^th, we had a little gathering at my house, me and about 30 of my closest friends. Oh, and there was beer. Lots of beer. Back in the day, the drinking age was 18, and I was 17 myself, so it was easier to get beer than to get Beckeye to sleep with you on a first date. At McDonalds. Where she pays. Yeah, that easy.

In addition to the party at my house, there were two other things happening on the post late in the night of July 4^th: the gas station was broken into and many tools were allegedly stolen and a huge 12 foot by 12 foot PA system was stolen at a camper/air streamer gathering.

A couple months after his return from Virginia, apparently none the worse for wear, my brother and I were called into the MP station with my dad to be questioned about those crimes. We were interrogated separately, first him, then me, with our dad. I found it especially comical that my brother was a suspect since HE WASN’T EVEN IN THE STATE THE ENTIRE SUMMER. I don’t really know how his interrogation went – perhaps he’ll comment in great detail or post on this story to fill in the details from his perspective.

I was told about the crimes and that I was a suspect, but the CID guy interrogating me didn’t think it was me, and he wanted to help me prove my innocence, 'cause he really believed in me. See, he was the “Good Cop”. I told him I knew exactly where I was July 4^th. I was busted the morning after my parents got back because one of my drunken dickhead friends thought it was hil-freaking-larious to run around the house flicking bottle caps all night - fucking Gorko! Not that I was punished. Man, I swear, my parents must have lost interest in raising us and were just crossing days off the calendar until we left home.

Anywho, I tell Mr. Goodcop I got 20 or 30 witnesses that can tell them where I was the night of July 4^th. No, Mr. Goodcop had a better idea. How about ol’ Mathdude submit his fingerprints for the FBI and take a lie-detector test they were bringing up from DC (hey – it was 1980 for chrissakes)? We danced this danced for about 20 minutes – him insisting on me taking a lie detector test and being fingerprinted, me asking him how many witnesses would he need for me to “prove” I wasn’t at either crime scene.

Eventually he had to accept my refusal on both offers – fucking jerkwad. It was one of the wiser decisions I ever made. Brother Tony Alva initially said he would do the lie-detector test, thinking it would be a joke, and then refused when the FBI showed up with a huge freakin’ machine. I hope he’ll give his side of it, because I remember it was a pretty big deal.

So while we may have been on West Point’s Most Wanted List, neither of us made it into the FBI’s files. That we know of.

Track of the Week

2008-09-16T17:48:00.010+02:00

This week's Track of the Week comes from the techno band Daft Punk. While Harder Better Faster Stronger may be more well known due to being sampled heavily by some rap dude (I don't know who - I don't listen to rap) and the quirky Technologic is being used on a Lincoln commercial, Da Funk is really what you're going to want to hear. The G-Train says it sounds like a song from an X-rated film, and I can't disagree. Sister Coolmomma heard it when she snatched my ipod and wanted to know what it was - and she only listens to country now! So enjoy!

Grabbag Monday

2008-09-15T04:05:00.006+02:00

When I'm Wrong, I'm Wrong
OK, I not too proud to admit when I'm wrong. The problem is, it practically never happens! Take for instance The First Place Arizona Cardinals, perhaps the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever! They won again this week: 2-0 baby! I smell a Super Bowl ring. My USC Trojans won big over the weekend as well, but don't give them the champ label yet. Missouri and Oklahoma look pretty damn impressive as well.

Oh, and UNC dismantled Rutgers on Thursday night. In the latest AP poll, they received votes but didn't crack the Top 25 - probably next week. Hmmm, I recall a certain dweebie Red Sox fan's wisecracks from a couple weeks ago. Um, what was it you said mike? Oh yeah, you said, "I don't have anything clever or funny to say, bc you just admitted you are a UNC football fan. No joke necessary on that one." and then you said, "And you are absolutely right about UNC being ranked. I think they will be ranked 104. maybe lower." mike, mike, mike. When will you learn like the rest of my readers how foolish you look when you disagree with me. It pains me to be so right so often. I wish I could be wrong just once in a while!

My fantasy team is off to an impressive 2-0 start thanks to my All-World Receiving Corps of Plexico Burress, Anquan Boldin, and Chris Chambers. Yeah, that's right, I got a player from The Other Cellar Dwellers from San Diego, You Know, the Football Ones, Not the Baseball Ones. If you're really bored, my league's website is here. Oh, no, you'll be able to figure out what my real name is - gasp - like anyone reading this doesn't already know that it's Sven Jourgenson.

Passing Gas
Anybody's section of the country feeling the gas crisis like us here in western NC? There are lots of stations closed, and the price shot up about a buck this past week to $4.70 a gallon. In some spots in SC, it's close to $6 a gallon. If this keeps up, we're going to be living in a Mad Max movie. How can this happen with a president with a background in the oil industry. Oh, I forgot for a minute that he's the WORST. PRESIDENT. EVER. Now I remember.

New Favorite Commercial
I love the Geico commercial with the caveman playing tennis with Billy Jean King. "What's with the Geico sign Billy Jean?" and "I quit! But I get it!" Hil-freaking-larious!

That's all I got for ya!

TURN. IT. OFF.

2008-09-11T16:31:00.006+02:00

Many people think that when a problem arises, someone with a lot of git-up-and-go takes charge and straightens things out - losers. I've found someone has to be a total asshole about a situation, and quite often I am that asshole. I've got assholeness to spare. So here I go.

Yo dickhead - turn the fucking word verificator* off! It's really starting to piss me off. I know, back when I didn't know anything about blogging, I had mine on. But I was stupid back then. I didn't know any better. I turned mine off, and I've got my blog set on Central European Time! There's no need for it. "Oh but Mathdude, I'm sooooooo important that spammers check my blog every day to see if I have it on or not, and then, wah-wah, I might have a spam message in the comments" Shut-up! My brother had one once on his blog, and it was hilarious!

So who am I talking about here? Well let's start with this character.

Hey Beckeye! Yeah, you - TURN. THE. FUCKING. WORD. VERIFICATION. OFF. How can you claim to be superior to me when you have it on (though I was quite impressed with your knowledge of Alice Cooper this week), huh?

Who else? Well, Beth is also guilty of having it on, but I'll let it slide until she comes back. That's all I know of, for now, but I'm checking up on the rest of you! Hell, even mike at brown cottons and red sox, who just learned how to add a picture to a posting, who doesn't even know what spell check is, and who is a Red Sox fan for christsakes, even he doesn't have the Word Verification on! He's lucky if he can walk and chew gum at the same time!

Get it done people! Chop-chop. I'm certain the comments will be 10 to 1 in favor of me on this issue.

*Relax grammar nerd, I know it's "Verifier"

More Niceties

2008-09-10T17:42:00.005+02:00

I know this means being nice twice in 2 days, but my brother just wrote the most amazing post about Army football. Up-bup: now don't say "Wah-wah! I was uncoordinated as a kid, and I was in the chess club, and I was too busy studying for spelling bees eating library paste!!" If you're not interested in football, go hang out at some nerd's blog.

A Tribute

2008-09-09T16:31:00.003+02:00

When I started fooling around on the internets about a year ago, I started out posting comments on my brother's blog. I began to explore, not knowing anything, and became a fan of many of those who I continue to read today. I thought briefly about having my own blog, but then I thought "Who would care about my crappy insights?" Up-bup. Don't even say that I was right. It was Beth over at A Cup of Coffey that gave me the push to start my own. Now it seems she has moved on to bigger and better things.

Everyone that participates in this here blogging world has one thing in common: enough free time to read and write postings and comments. I know I completely ignored my brother's blog for a couple years because I simply had no time, and now it seems this is the case with Beth. It's been over a month now, and I don't think she's coming back. I could be wrong - I hope I'm wrong, for if Pistols is the King, Beth was the Queen of us here bloggers. Is it wrong to hope for Beth's life to become empty enough again for her to start posting?

Her signature posting was her Friday Mix Tape. I mean, who posts on Friday? I learned that nobody will read your Friday postings. But Beth could get serious action over at Cup of Coffey. I consider myself quite the music critic, and I enjoy giving you some songs to listen to in my Tracks of the Week that I think you might not have heard. My piddly Tracks of the Week are no comparison to her Mix Tapes though. She often made available 50 songs(?), more(?), who knows, and most of them I'm embarrassed to say I'd never heard before. At best I could recommend a song or two that she might have left out.

While her writing "voice" was definitely girly-girl, it kept me interested. She also had a way of making a poetry reading she'd attended sound interesting (no small task let me tell ya). The blogs I read tend to stay within a certain circle - you know who you are - and while I still like to explore now and again, not much out there captures my interest. Beth had circles upon circles of people who checked in to see her postings - most impressive.

I'm going to hold back on the wisecracks today here at ECV. If you want to pass on what you think of Beth in the comments, I'll let her know by email to check it out. Maybe if enough of us grovel, she'll rejoin us.

Beth - come back!!!

Grabbag Monday

2008-09-08T12:16:00.005+02:00

Football Football Football
Aaahhhhh. Football. Wonderful Football. The weekend was full of...um...what was it again? Oh, yeah, football! With Seattle and St. Louis losing, the Cardinals, by beating the 49ers, are in sole possession of first place in the NFC West. From this point forward, as long as it is pertains, they will be referred to as "The First Place Arizona Cardinals, perhaps the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever!" here at Eating Chicken Vindaloo. It was a rare trifecta for me with The First Place Arizona Cardinals, perhaps the Greatest Team Ever Assembled - Ever!, the Jets, and the Giants all winning. None looked great, but a win is a win is a win. My fantasy team won - not officially yet - I still need Donald Driver to not score tonight, but it's as good as done.

I don't know if I won my family's college football pool yet, what with the vast conspiracy to keep me out and all because I'm too awesome.

On Saturday, Lee Corso rambled on and on about how terrible San Diego State was on College Game Day and how Notre Lame was going to just run up the score on them. SD State almost won that game. If their running back hadn't fumbled scoring that TD in the 4th, I think they would have. Notre Lame still sucks!

From this day forward, as long as it is pertains*, the San Diego Chargers will be known as "The Other Cellar Dwellers from San Diego, You Know, the Football Ones, Not the Baseball Ones".

Slinging Mud
Oh, the mud was a-flyin' at the Mathdude homestead this weekend, as I was putting up the sheet rock on the big home owner project. It's starting to look like it's supposed to. At least I don't have anymore attic crawling around to do! No injuries to report.

This Just In
I rechecked all the figures and calculations, and David Garza is still god.

That's all I got for ya!

*Or until Red changes her crappy avatar, whichever comes first.

About Last Night

2008-09-04T16:11:00.004+02:00

Picking a presidential candidate, for me, is like car-shopping. I want a new car that gets 80 mpg. I want it to have horsepower to spare. I want it to look cool as shit, and I want it to be the lowest priced one out there. Probably what I'll end up buying will be none of those things because I don't live in fairytaleland. Like most people, I compromise by taking the least disappointing offering available. Yup, picking a presidential candidate is exactly like that. The perfect candidate doesn't exist, and more than likely a really, really good one doesn't either. Sometimes voting is like picking which of the last 2 Christmas trees left on the lot is the one your wife will scream at you the least for waiting the last minute to get one. This year is no different.

I'm telling you all this because I rarely get passionate about politics. I almost always vote Democrat, but I'm not a die-hard. Last night Sarah Palin gave her acceptance speech at the RNC. Wow, did McCain find gold for a VP! She was blunt, funny, and plain spoken. Her speech reminded me more of a Dennis Miller rant than the usual acceptance speech fluff. I loved the "Being a mayor just like being a "community organizer" except that mayors have actual responsibilities" comment.

Sure, she was a little fast and loose with things like "facts" and "truth", but good luck finding me a politician who isn't. I haven't given McCain much of a chance to win up to this point, but I think there's a lot of undecided and apathetic voters like myself that might give him a listen. Great job, Obama, picking a running mate who won't overshadow you. Yeah, Biden's great, you didn't need Hillary at all!

My New Favorite Tool

2008-09-02T16:18:00.005+02:00

The bulk of my 3 day weekend was spent doing some remodeling. We tore out a closet in the master bedroom and reclaimed additional space from a dopey birdcage covey on the other side of the wall. On the house flipping shows, demolition is a laugh a minute with sledgehammers a-flyin’. In our case, we wanted to keep the back wall of the closet, so we had to be careful about what was dismantled and how it was dismantled. On the plus side, the demolition necessitated the purchase of a new tool – the reciprocating saw. This tool is nothing short of awesome. It goes through anything. Wood, Metal? Say "hello" to my leetle friend.

My new least favorite tool: the small, regular screwdriver I was using to scrape off some electrical tape that slipped and jabbed about an inch or two into my left bicep. Up-bup, don’t mock Mathdude’s handyman status. I’ve completed many an impressive homeowner project. The worst tool-related injury in my family, I think, was brother Tony Alva’s carpet cutter gaffe requiring many stitches.

Football
Kudos to the college football teams out there this past weekend who were playing significant opponents. A rousing chorus of boos to those playing for the easy win. Gosh, it must have been hard Ohio State to beat that juggernaut Youngstown State. Several others were equally guilty. The NFL regular season starts on Thursday night, and my family’s weekly college football pool that I dominate each year should start this weekend as well. I love this time of year, especially now that the dread of facing a New York winter is gone.

New TV Show
Whoever thought combining Friends and Law and Order would result in a great TV show called Raising The Bar, was wrong.

That’s all I got for ya.

I'm Back!

2008-08-28T17:40:00.005+02:00

It's good to be back. I want to "thank" "Falwless" for all her "help". In retrospect, choosing the verification question of "Father's middle name" for changing my password wasn't such a good choice since his middle name is John. Hey, it was easy to remember; it's the same as mine. Anywho, the posting and subsequent misdirection comments were well played ma'am! Well played indeed! Let me know when I can return the favor, 'kay?

To you skeptics out there, I got 2 question for ya. One: you don't believe someone who confuses "than" and "then" in her blog's name is incapable of messing up affect/effect? Really. B: How is it a crappy C-minus blogger like myself is able to pose as an A-level blogger like Falwless? Huh? I'm sorry, what'd you say? Oh. Nothing? I thought so.

Uncle
I'm speaking for the Yankees. Sadly, they will not make the playoffs this year. I think only the Rays and Angels have a shot at representing the AL and the Rays only if Longoria comes back. Oh, well, at least next year we'll have CC Sabathia starting for us on opening day.

Another Fool Listens To Me
mike got a new avatar based on my advice. Thumbs up, dude, even if it isn't the one I recommended. Totally awesome, it...eh...it...eh, what is it? Whatever it is, it looks cool. I can't gaurentee triple-digit comment numbers, like the last blogger who took my sage advice, but you're certain to fare better than Red with her crap avatar!

Football
The college football season starts tonight! I propose we change the name "Autumn" to "Awesome" because of football. I'm a UNC fan who bleeds tarheel blue, and I like having Butch Davis as coach. We'll see what they do this year, his second. My stepson went to Clemson, and I kinda root for them too when the rooting interests don't conflict with another team's. I'm a big USC (So. Cal.) fan and Army fan as well. Oh, yeah, and I fucking hate Notre Lame!

In the pros, I am, of course, the biggest Arizona Cardinal fan that there is. I think we're going 10-6 this year. Since most years the Cards are done 5 games in, and because I lived in NY for 35 years, I'm a Jets and Giants fan as well. I hate the Cowboys, Bills, and Dolphins.

My fantasy football draft went about as well as I could have imagined. I've finished 6-8, 13-1, 13-1, 10-4, and 8-6 in the regular seasons of my league with the last two years being done with smoke and mirrors. My playoff success is another story: 1-5. I know, pathetic. This year, I like my chances. I'll post about it next week.

That's all I got for ya!

First Ever Guest Posting At Eating Chicken Vindaloo

2008-08-26T20:27:00.005+02:00

Hey everybody, it’s me Falwless, doing my second guest posting in 2 weeks. I’m sure you all know who I am, since Mathdude writes about me pretty much every day. *Buffing nails* Yeah, I have that affect on most men. So I’m supposed to fill in while he gets ready for his fantasy football draft. You know what a fantasy football draft is, right? Yeah. Me neither. I don’t even know what fantasy football is, but if it involves picturing me and Tom Brady rolling around a lot on the ground, I’m all for it. Mmmmm, Tom Brady. Tight football pants. Tight ends. Dog pile on Falwless, boys…Oops, sorry, I got a little carried away there. Of course, if I were I guy, I’d think this was extremely gay.

I’m looking around here at Eating Chicken Vindaloo, and I gotta say I’m not seeing very much. There are a couple of dusty postings lying around, unread probably. Oh, here are the notes for my guest posting. It says “Maybe do an Olympic recap” – riiiight. “Work ‘Up-bup’ and ‘Anywho’ into the posting (my readers love those phrases – they’re hilarious)” - WTF? “Be sure to make fun of Red”. Lamest. Shit. Ever. Jesus H. Christmas in a hand basket, people! Listen up! If you want me to guest post for you, you’ve got to give me something to work with. You know - pictures…links…ideas. C’mon people. I got enough shit to do* back at my own blog.

Alright, Mathdork. You want a lame posting, you got it. Practically nobody reads this here blog anyways.

Here goes: Heh-heh. Hey everyone, here’s your daily dose of clever witticisms** from Mathdude. How about those Olympics? Blah blah blah.

Anywho. I heard this song on the radio, and I like wrote about it, that I thought it was cool, like a couple months ago. Heh-heh. I must be a genius or something***.

Hey everyone, Red lives in San Diego, and, heh-heh, their lawn darts team totally sucks. Up-bup: don’t argue! You know lawn darts suck!

Oh, and you’re welcome, Mathdude!

*surf for porn
**dopey and pointless ramblings
***something

P.S. – Hee-hee. Just kidding, Mathdude. We’re good, right?

P.P.S. – Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I cleaned up a little before locking up. I made your avatar and profile a little more reality-based, and I may have changed another thing or two. Hee-hee.

P.P.P.S. - Where do I pick up my paycheck?

Monday Grabbag

2008-08-25T03:27:00.000+02:00

I was feeling a bit under the weather this weekend. You know that new Mucinex DM commercial with the Mucus Family Reunion getting together? Yeah, that could have been filmed in my lungs. On the plus side, Mucinex DM does do the job of breaking that stuff up.

Yet Another One Of My Predictions Comes True
The men's Olympic basketball team won gold just as I predicted. You can snicker all you want, but a lot of the "experts" on ESPN were too chicken to predict gold.

Life Goal I Will Not Meet #3,537,973
I wish I could be as cool as bad-ass 400m runner Jeremy Wariner. I'm nominating him for the Bad-Ass Hall Of Fame. I say he's got to listen to Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.

Mad Karate Skills
Check out this guy with the karate skills. He's absolutely amazing!

Substitute on Wednesday
OK, now everybody behave on Wednesday. I have a substitute coming in to write for me as I will be very busy prepping for my Fantasy Football Draft. I'll be leaving sub plans and expecting to hear good things about you when I get back.

Mailbag Time

2008-08-21T01:26:00.000+02:00

Mailbag Time: The Blogging World's Most Hated Running Gag - like I care.

From Jackson in NY I got: "Dude, my man Phil Collins settled his divorce for $47 million. Think it was worth it?" First of all Jackson, I'd like to say to Phil, if he's reading this, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Phil, what were you thinking? No pre-nup? Sheesh, didn't you see Paul McCartney shell out $45 million to kick Heather Mills to the curb? And this is your third marriage? You gotta go down as the dumbest rock star in history. And what's with you Brits? Don't they have pre-nuptial agreements over there? Help me out Imaginary Reviewer. On the downside, Phil is probably going to release a new album and go out on tour. Maybe MC Hammer will be the warm-up act.

From Flawed: Hey, Mathdude. "My friends* and I are having a big scrabble tournament this weekend. You should stop by! Here's my address: ## XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XX #####. Just look for the house with the sweet tree swing" Eh, I think I have to wash my car. Sorry, maybe next time.

Tracks of the Week
This week's Tracks of the Week come from Chumbawamba's 1999 release What You See Is What You Get. The first is Pass It Along which I think is the most inspirational song since Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas. The second is She's Got All The Friends. It has some sensationally scathing lyrics that typifies Chumbawamba's feistiness. I love feisty. Course, they had me at "I get knocked down...".

*Imaginary Friends

More Signs That I Am Awesome

2008-08-19T15:49:00.000+02:00

Beckeye forwarded to me this picture that shows my presence in this world is now being affected at the highest levels. Uber-hip American Idoler Michael Johns is holding a sign while in the background, some Mathpunk is holding a bat looking for some spelling bee winners' skulls to crack.

Let's see, we got the slope formula, the equation of a line in slope-intercept form*, and the quadratic formula. Niiiice.

*I've always been a point-slope guy myself, but that's just me.

Happy Monday

2008-08-18T04:23:00.000+02:00

My New Job
I start working today at a new job teaching college math classes at a nearby community college. With the job change, I considered changing my handle from “Mathdude” to “Professor Mathdude, Doctor of Awesome”. While it has a nice* ring to it, ultimately, though, I’ve decided to stick with Mathdude. I figured it would be a shame to lose the street cred I’ve built up here at Eating Chicken Vindaloo.

I Never Tire Of Being Right
Last week, I blasted Olympic swimmers for their lack of, well, good looks. “But Mathdude, what an awesome body Michael Phelps has!” I heard in response. Still, I stood by my assessment that he would not be in the top half of good-looking guys his age. Apparently, many agree.

The US Mens Olympic basketball team is looking unbeatable, just as I had observed a couple weeks ago. I don’t see them losing.

The My Own Worst Enemy (starring Christian Slater) commercials has the awesome Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Weapon of Choice playing on it. I’ve been extolling the virtues of BRMC since Day 1. Man, I’m awesome!

More Awesome Olympic Insights
While everyone is talking about Phelps being the greatest Olympic Athlete ever, I’ll make a case for him not even being the greatest athlete of this Olympics. What about Dara Torres winning 2 silvers after swimming 2 heats within about 10 minutes of each other? Oh, BTW, she’s 41. She wasn’t at the last Olympics because she was having a baby. I say Phelps gets the nod when he’s actually lived a little bit of a life, and he’s able to excel after battling some of life’s demons. He doesn’t have to win a medal at 41, but we’ll see if he’s still swimming at 32.

Grababag Thursday

2008-08-14T15:42:00.000+02:00

Avatars Rerevisited
I’m pleased to see the Imaginary Reviewer has added a cool avatar to his repertoire. Meanwhile, Red refuses to do anything about hers. Here’s an idea.

OK, just kidding on that one. I don’t have Photoshop, and I’m not that adept at tinkering with pics, but even I can adjust the contrast and brightness on her avatar in a couple minutes.

Maybe someone with initiative and more than a fourth grader's knowledge of computers could do even better. If it was my avatar, I’d think about printing up the picture and coloring it in by hand. It’s not mine, though, and actually doing that means I’ll have to spend more than 15 minutes on a posting, and that’s not the kind of thing I do.

Mike still lacks an avatar, and I have the perfect one for him, even if it is 100% Falwless’s doing. Here you go dude. You’re welcome.

Olympic Rerecap

This is the latest hot-button issue: the Spanish basketball team posing for an ad in which they all pull their eyes back to look Chinese. I’m not into all that PC crap, and I think everyone should be able to laugh at themselves in genuinely funny situations. I’m also not Asian, and I might be more offended if I were, but this was the kind of stuff we did in like the 2^nd grade. So basically, I was smarter and more mature as an 8 year old than anyone on Spain’s Olympic basketball team? Yeesh, good luck dudes. You’re on your own for this one.

Tracks of the Week
I got some good stuff for ya smuggled in from Canada: the Tragically Hip. In the Great White North, these guys are the shit. I haven’t met anyone in the US (except around the Canadian border) who has even heard of them. Canada’s got it right on this one. They remind of REM, except they’re actually good*. It was hard to narrow it down to just 2, but this week’s tracks are Blow At High Dough and New Orleans Is Sinking. Enjoy!

Getting Old Sucks
I partially tore the MCL on my left knee on Monday while jogging. I know, I should really cut back on my risky activities.

*Sorry Beth. I couldn’t resist.

Olympic Recap

2008-08-13T16:26:00.000+02:00

I think I speak for many when I say I didn’t particularly look forward to the Olympics. With so many professional athletes, it had lost its nostalgic “hometown” appeal. However, I can’t deny that whenever an American is going up against an athlete from any other country, I can’t help but want the American(s) to kick his/her/their ass.

The Good
Hmm, athletic women jumping around in outfits that cover 3 square inches of their body. Gee, I just don’t see the appeal of women’s beach volleyball at all. Am I the only guy hoping for a tear in a bathing suit, or a wardrobe malfunction, or even a pillow fight to spontaneously break out? That aside, I find volleyball enjoyable as it is one of three sports that I can play well, even at the advanced decrepit age that I’m at now.

Spoiled, pampered millionaires? For sure, but I’m going to stick up for the men’s basketball team. Nobody’s getting paid (directly), and let’s see you huff up and down a court between seasons, the only time they have off during the year. And it’s about time we reclaimed what belongs to us, make no mistake – basketball is an American sport! You Canadians who babble on about how Naismith was Canadian can have a nice tall glass of shutthehellup. You guys have never dominated basketball.

Michael Phelps – what needs to be said that hasn’t already been said?

The Bad
Diving. Yikes, wake me when they’re through. Wow, look, there’s hardly any splash! How exciting! I firmly believe, some diving officials were sitting around a pool trying to think up some goofy diving event to add to the Olympics to make their sport more important when a couple kids nearby thought it would be “cool” to jump of the diving board at the same time, and a light bulb went on. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Equestrian. I’m sure “Equestrian” is Latin for “Completely Unwatchable”. Don’t even get me started.

It’s not an Olympic sport and it has nothing to do with the Olympics, but I’d kick Falwless’s ass in Scrabble. Up-bup – don’t embarrass yourself by arguing, you have no idea what you’d be going against!

The Ugly
Somebody tell me when aliens came to earth and took over swimming. These swimmers are so freakish looking, I sometimes have trouble telling the men from the women. Yikes! Sure, I'm rooting for Michael Phelps as the next guy, but save your breath trying to convince me he is even in the top half of good looking guys his age.

That’s all I got for ya!

Don’t Look Now, But This Is…

2008-08-11T19:51:00.000+02:00

My 100^th posting bitches! Yay! Woo-hoo! And nobody thought I’d make it past 20! I thought for this important* milestone I’d rehash the ups** and the downs here at Eating Chicken Vindaloo.

As my poorly scanned Calvin and Hobbes strip indicates, as a writer, I’m really good at math, ie, I don't like writing, and my writing sucks. It’s like the eleventy-gazillionth thing I’m good at. Like it matters. If people wanted good writing, I’d have no readers. I’d have even less if I wrote about what I am good at: math. So why do people come here? I think people come here because they want to hear me make fun of things. Some, *cough-Red-cough* come here to see themselves get made fun of.

I believe I have also made up for my inability to write with my exceptional insights on music. Along with my uncanny prediction that David Cook would win American Idol 3 months before he did, I routinely out-predicted Americanidolologist Beckeye and the rest of you rank amateurs. Further, my Tracks Of The Week continue to be a popular*** feature. Go ahead, pick a track at random, download it, and try to tell me it’s not awesome!

Often****, I'll write something mildly amusing, maybe bordering on funny. If you are a new comer here at ECV, check out The Funniest Moments of My Life Parts I, II, III, IV, V, and VI. I think I peaked at Part V. Yeah, it's all downhill from here.

So I guess I’ll see you around for the next 100.*****

* - completely unimportant
** - Like any exist.
*** - unpopular
**** - Very rarely
***** - Assuming you continue to have so little of a life that you come here to see what I have to say.

The Legend of David Shugimoto*

2008-08-08T16:33:00.000+02:00

Spring 1973. Willow Glen Farm League. Championship Game. Bottom of 6^th, last ups. We’re losing 9-8, 2 outs, 2 on. David Shugimoto, all 2 feet of him, steps up to the plate and walks on 4 pitches. Now it’s bases loaded. They have to pitch to me or the game’s tied. The Reds’ manager comes out, talks to the pitcher, then retreats back to the dugout. I smash the first pitch into the gap in right-centerfield. I stroll down to first, 2 runs score! We win! We are the champions! My teammates carry me on their shoulders. I yell, “I’m the king of the world! I’m a baaaaad man!”

OK, that didn’t happen. That’s what was supposed to happen. Of course, if that had happen, this would be the Legend of Mathdude instead of the Legend of David Shugimoto. No story in our family has been retold as many times as the Legend of David Shugimoto. No embellishments have been added over the years as none are needed. The story on its own is a true legend.

Let’s start from the start. For the 1972-3 school year, my dad did a hardship tour in the Army in which he went to Korea and we stayed stateside. We chose to reside in San Jose, California, close to my grandmother in Monterey and my cousins in San Jose. In the spring, my Uncle Ken coached the Astros with my cousin Ken being the league’s star pitcher. Through incorrectly filled out applications, my brother and I were allowed to be on the team. Somehow the league overlooked that we didn’t live in that part of town or that I was a year too old. I was the biggest kid in the league, edging Tony Alva out by a hair. We also had another great pitcher, Gardner Salmon, a few other decent players, and a handful who were playing their first (and probably their last) year. Our team was stacked.

At the end of our third game, I’m not ashamed to say, our whole team cried. We had lost to the lowly, pathetic Mets. In fact, we had lost all of our games. We were at the bottom of the standings 1/3 of the season in.

Padres 3-0
Reds 2-1
Mets 1-2
Astros 0-3**

Then my uncle got an idea. Instead of putting all the good players at the beginning of the line-up like every other team in the history of baseball did, he alternated good players with bad ones in the batting order. It was pure magic. Suddenly, we were unbeatable. We quickly made up ground in the standings en route to winning our last 6 games, tying us with the Reds***.

Astros 6-3
Reds 6-3
Padres 5-4
Mets 1-8

This set up the championship game. But the baseball gods were not smiling on us that day. We fell behind 9-0 after 3 innings. Suddenly, we regained our composure. We got 2 in the 4^th and 3 in the 5^th while shutting out the Reds. Down 9-5 in our last ups, we rallied for 3 more, cutting the lead to 9-8. With 2 men on and 2 out, David Shugimoto stepped up to the plate with me in the on-deck circle.

The Legend of David Shugimoto
In all seriousness, with already 4 years of organized baseball under my belt, I was the biggest, baddest kid in the league. This could never happen today as some parent would cry foul and check my birth certificate to disqualify me. Whatever. With the alternating line-up, David Shugimoto was one of our worst hitters, but he was teeny-tiny and had about a 1 inch high strike zone. He walked and struck out a lot.

So Shugimoto steps up to the plate, and all he has to do is take 4 pitches to load the bases. This is my moment in the sun. The first pitch bounces to the plate, and incredibly, Shugimoto swings! WTF? Strike 1! Are you kidding me? Our team on the sideline jumps up and starts yelling at him. What is he doing? The second pitch bounces to the plate, he swings, strike 2! WTF?!? The whole team starts screaming at him at the top of their lungs. The next 3 pitches come in high and he wisely takes them. So here it is 3-2, 2 outs, 2 on, bottom of the 6^th, down 9-8. I stand up in anticipation of going up take care of business when he walks on the next pitch. The pitch comes in over his head. HE SWINGS! Strike 3. Game over. End of the season. We lose. We suck!

50 years from now, if I’m living, I’ll be 95. If any of my cousins make that far too, and we get together, there is not a shred of doubt the Legend of David Shugimoto will be the first thing we talk about.****

*No names have been changed. Shugimoto can kiss my ass if he doesn’t like it.
**The G-Train hates that I can remember every minute detail of sporting events 35 years ago, but can’t remember what I went to the store to get.
***What a shock – another Padre team bites the dust!
****No, I will not get over it!

Grab Bag Wednesday

2008-08-06T05:09:00.000+02:00

I went down to Atlanta over the weekend for my dad's birthday party. When I got there one of their trees had crashed into the house and killed 17 people. OK, that's not entirely accurate. It actually fell into their yard and blocked a golf cart path (they live in a golf cart community). I had to help chainsaw that sucker late Saturday night and Sunday morning. I learned that both my dad and I sing I'm a Lumberjack And I'm Ok whenever we break out the chainsaw.

I saw this disturbing image over at Jon's Extraneous Ass-Kickery. Yikes. Now if it were 2 chicks...

]
I don't get it. Why is the one Red Sox fan wearing a Yankees jersey?

This week's Tracks of the Week are fairly recent releases. The first combines silly, mindless fun with dark, disturbing dysfunction with the Everclear cover of Our Lips Are Sealed. It works! Give it a listen. The other track is Go off the new Def Leppard album. Sure they're not teenage or 20-something slacker hipsters anymore, but they can still get it done. This track is probably the best on the album. Enjoy!

Mailbag Time

2008-08-05T01:53:00.000+02:00

I know it's been ages since I answered some fan mail, so let's just get to it.

Mikey from Boston writes in: "mathdude, i grew up around red sox fans all my life and now that i'm getting older, i'm seeing that being a red sox fan is as gay as liking new kids on the block. what do you recommend i do?" Well, Mikey, let's start with a typing lesson. Look at your keyboard. You see those "Shift" keys? Depress and hold those while you type a letter and it will capitalize it! Amazing, huh? Now, as for being a Red Sox fan, the solution is simple, just use a red marker to put the circle with the slash over all the insignias you have and repeat to yourself over and over,"At least I'm not a Padre fan!" You'll feel better in no time.

BE in New York writes in: "I was away for a while, and I have to take another week off soon. What should I do about my blog?" Hey, no problem. I'll write it for you. Falwless took off on a European vacation the whole month of July, and nobody even noticed I was writing hers for her, except those that noticed that it suddenly got good. Just give me the dates and your password BE.

Flawful writes: "Dude, your insights into music are pure genius. I download every one of your Tracks of the Week. Paper Planes is the #4 download on itunes this week. How can people be so stupid to pay for something that you gave us for free?" I think it's one of those I'm-showing-off-how-much-I-throw-away-money things people do, like getting a $400 haircut.

That's all I got for ya!